Pink Lights and Shiny Things

In picking out Christmas lights this year my lovable local walmart had the dismal selection of clear, multi, amber, or pink.

Now don't let me fool you, I got really excited when I saw the pink lights. I thought, what better way to show my true colors than to put pink lights on my house, especially when no one else on my 1 block street has decided to put up house lights at all.

The selection, however, disappoints me. It seems that walmart, the providers of everything you could ever need and more, is slimming down their selection to take away the choice. What happened to green lights, or blue, or red? Do these colors not matter in their world anymore? And who really puts up amber lights for Christmas? Amber is a pretty color but I don't think I'd be sporting it to say hey Christmas is here or anything silly like that.

I guess if you get down to it then pink really isn't a Christmas color either. But why should I let walmart decide this for me? Awhile back I had to buy paperclips, I could have waited and borrowed a couple from work but I was in the store and figured might as well get them now. After first locating the stationary section it took what seemed like years to locate the paper clips. One would assume they would have neat little boxes of 50 or 100 paper clips ready to go...but one would be wrong with that assumption. If you want paper clips now a days you have to purchase the paper clip holder that comes with 10...yes 10 whole paper clips. Outraged was I.

I bought them and the ridiculous purchase is sitting unused on my desk at home.

The problem with letting people dictate what you can purchase is that the things you will be able to purchase later will be completely unnecessary later. We're addicted to shiny things and we want them now.

If I was smart I would have gone to an office supply store to pay several bucks less on paper clips. If I was thrifty I would have borrowed some from work. But since I'm lazy I paid and grumbled and now have a useless purchase. But hey...yay for pink lights :)

whip my hair

Jay-Z ft. Willow Smith - Whip My Hair (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by ChaOko_01. - Explore more music videos.

I find when whipping my hair back and forth I often come down with a serious neck ache that leaves me prostrate in bed for up to two weeks. The only positive for this wild and reckless behavior is the drugs for the pain. Needless to say the moment I was blacklisted for morphine I no longer practice the action of whipping my hair back and forth. Note: A piss poor side effect of morphine is hair loss, where in the instance of this video where she is whipping paint back and forth I would be the one showering everyone with loose hair. Note part two: As one ages our equilibrium's deteriorate causing bruises and worse when whipping hair back and forth. Note part three: Please use caution when whipping hair back and forth. Note part four: The creator of this blog is only responsible for the distribution of the want to whip one's hair back and forth, however he is not responsible for the injuries sustained from whipping one's hair back and forth. That is all.

Story Time Thursday - poemista

Story Time Thursday : ) poem edition.

On gentle night doth story tell

of grandeur told

heroics fell

loves betrayal

and impending doom

unto the stories end

where hearts are true

til the night takes hold

and day takes break

for the glory of dreams

lay gentle claim

and the story unfolds

before the breaking of day

^____________-\|/-____________^

chang(ing)(e)(s)

With the changing of seasons

comes the changing of tastes

that change what we love

when the place needs a change

whence the changes may come

and the changes do sway

towards changing of love

and changing of space

who can change who we are

when we conquer the change

in the time of the changes

when changes take place

^____________-\|/-____________^

In the gloom

can I see

an eye afar

watching me

making move

I dodge the trees

gliding its way

approaching the fiend

snarls erupt

when pungent smell

halts my charge

it isn't well

claws flash in moonlight

eyes glare in shadows

sniffing the air

and loosing a howl

she springs my way

heavy steps she takes

yet leaves a trail

of blood in her wake

where once she stood

now she lay

with her head

ten feet away

...

In the gloom

can I see

something else

staring at me

Indubitably

indubitably (not comparable)

1.In a manner that leaves no possibility of doubt; undoubtedly.

I'm in love with the word indubitably because of the way it rolls off of my tongue. I can't recall where I picked it up, but it's been in my vocabulary for several years now as it slowly comes and goes in the rotation of my words. For right now I wholly welcome it back and look forward to the remainder of it's duration.

I indubitably hate my job. More and more I realize that what I do to support life outside of work is quite assuredly the thing that I should not be doing with my life. The poison that I feel at work has begun to trickle into my cozy world outside of the water cooler and I can feel the taint in everything I do now. I hate negativity with a passion and yet I surround myself with it, by choice, for 9 hours a day 5 days a week. This seems like madness. However, I realize that this is the struggle that every person endures and thus I must make ammends with my complacency and tough it out. If I find the secret to doing this I will most definitely let you know.

This weekend I went to Claremore to stay with my sister, her husband, and my two nephews. Afterwards I went to Tulsa to lunch with the rest of the family, watch a movie with them, and stayed with my youngest brother. All I can say is that I'm extremely lucky to have the family support that I do have. I haven't seen my sister in a couple of months, let alone have I had a sit down conversation with her for longer, so this weekend was more than what the doctor could have ordered. Imagine, if you will, me having a conversation with a female version of myself (We all have a striking resemblance to each other and always have). Talking with her was just what Oprah ordered. She is a fellow Pisces, as is her husband and one of my nephews, and I get a lot of insight about myself when speaking with her. I've discovered that when I say that this would be the best year of my life (and it has been) that it's pretty much true for all Pisces that I encounter. There's quite a healthy number of us who've bought houses, or cleared up debt, or met wonderful people, or who knows what...but it appears that we're all having really great years. Well whatever the cause is...I'm truly thankful.

Following the Claremore trip I went to Tulsa to see the rest of my family. To see us all together is to see love in it's purest form. It makes me truly look forward to Thanksgiving next week. So much to be thankful for with stuffing out the whazoo...yeah...I'm lucky.

randomness

Hello life. You've provided quite a bit lately. Thank you for being as kind as you are.

On the eve of Oklahoma's demise, due to the red winning the election, I feel a slight compulsion in drafting a farewell. Not to life or anything like that, I'm drafting a goodbye to freedom. Think of red tape that is being strapped across the eyes of the free thinkers in the state. The red has taken over in droves and our state has turned capitalist. It's going to be a very constricted next couple of years.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, this is a big opportunity for the red and maybe, just maybe in a wishing on carebears maybe, they can pull it together and make the state grand. Heck, if they do rescue the state then I'll deeply reconsider giving a highway patrolman a personal hello with my mouth as well. Oh snap.

Farewell Harry Potter book number 4. I almost cried when Cedric Diggory was killed by Voldemort. Welcome to the real world readers, this shit just got serious. I absolutely don't want to put the books down. I've heard stories of people reading the book on their way back to the store to get the next one. Well call me a camper cus I'm seriously thinking of going to the movie's late night release. I was Harry Potter this year so I have the costume.

Farewell Halloween. From being: a pirate, mawmaw, Harry Potter, a creepy maintenance guy, to a cowboy surfer choir boy; to hosting a kick ass Halloween party; to candy; to fun raffles and events at work. You were absolutely fabulous. This year rocked.

Farewell busy times at work. This month has been horrible in the case of absolutely can't think at work; it's been bam bam bam do this do this do this now now now kind of atmosphere lately. But I'm finally to the point where the eye of the hurricane has settled. There will be a follow through, but it'll be chancey whether it will be tough or not. With this horribleness being thrust upon me it's made me realize that I need to start the life plan for the future.

Tomorrow shall be an interesting day. Blue, you still have time to stock up on hope before the slop hits the pan.

Story Time Thursday - the red

the red

The Cataclysm ended freedom as we had once known it. No one could predict the horrors that would occur on our own soil. Horrors only imagined in nightmares or seen in cheesy movie flicks, horrors that affected everyone in the world. The Cataclysm was the spark for the birth of a new world.

The Cataclysm said hello to the world with an earthquake. America was building a world headquarters for the oil barrens who pillaged the earth where it pleased. The headquarters would be a monument to man’s conquering of the land. Historic and massive praise was heralded to the heartland as the nation watched with empty coffers. Earth insulted, struck back at man by bringing the tower down, and with it the nation.

A City was torn in two where the earth’s shell cracked. One side of the town had sunken below sea level. The other side had risen to become a true mountain where the peak had been a park bench. Shock and disbelief paralyzed the nation. The shock of the shift in the earth’s crust had sent a spire stabbing the sky. Disbelief at the unholy sight coupled with the feelings of gratitude and praise that the earthquake hadn’t been worse. Though it toppled the tower, the earthquake didn’t spread, nor did it claim the lives of many. The earth was telling us that she was supreme, she was powerful, and she was in charge.

The tragedy couldn’t have happened at a better time for the regime who ruled the state with a red thumb. With elections for governor looming, the prospects for a massive gain in control took over the nation. The state would now be ruled by a sorceress whose skills’ with conniving lies would bring down a nation. Where the earthquake shed few droplets of blood, the red painted the land with her color. Little Red turned out to be the wolf.

The nation poured money into the heartland. Already weak from stabilizing a fluctuating economy, the nation crumbled when the banks fell. Without the support of the dollar, the nation plummeted into despair. Little Red saw opportunity in the face of this new challenge. Seizing the army, she declared the heartland to be a free people under a new government. Her government was utilitarian rule. She charmed the wealthy into positions of power and held court in the newly rebuilt and finished World Headquarters. From atop her pedestal she restructured a state into a nation.

The east sat with open mouth. Drained of resources, money, and power and it sank into poverty. Countering the new crisis proved to be too overwhelming. It brought about the collapse of government altogether. Some states were better able to deal with the decay, others broke into chaos. The once mighty cities of the coast, where the people turned feral and the political struggle amidst panic and madness ended in the destruction of most.

It turned out that the earthquake was just the beginning of the Cataclysm. All eyes were on the nation when the West was taken from the mainland. The formation of the nation’s new mountain had slowed the earth’s rotation and shifted her axis. Weather followed. The spire sparked the formation of massive storm system that soaked the west, flooding the vast deserts and changing the landscape forever. The West became a mass of islands, marshes and mountains. United was no longer an option for the nation.

Little Red became the head of a broken people. With ultimate power at her beck and call she enslaved the people. With communication scarce and limited, she strengthened the core of her country before setting about the walling of her people. Neglecting calls for aid from her neighbors and spreading lies about the support of countries from afar, the red began controlling her people. She began to show her traits of true cruelty when the south began to move north. Manipulating the Republic’s own soldiers, she allowed them to cross her lands only to rule them before they made it to the other side. No blood was spilled in her lands, but she bathed north with it. She ruthlessly sent her armies north to claim other states. Those who resisted were killed.

Little Red’s ambitious plans amidst chaos and confusion altered life as we knew it. A once free people now sat powerless before a puppeteer whose ultimate desire for power would lead to the death of a nation and the death of unity. The world watched in horror as Little Red obtained control of country after country. Her mercenary army took out opposition to lay claim to most of the continent. Little Red’s nation was fueled by control, the oil barons were rocketed to elite and the common man became a soldier or an outcast.

The Cataclysm ended freedom as we had once known it. Free will and escape became a dream. The earth had sent a reminder that she was in charge. But Little Red had shown the land that her cry for attention was the perfect springing board for absolute power. And she showed the world what power she had attained. The Cataclysm was Little Red.

Story Time Thursday (Friday edition)

Beware

I heard the men coming long before I saw their grimy faces. The sounds of the war they brought announced their intention days before they appeared on the horizon. Death rang clearly in the air.

There was a sense of foreboding between me and my brothers when we first noticed their kind. We were peaceful, left alone to tend the land as we pleased singing songs of old in the glory that we all shared equally. With the spotting of the first man in our midst came the rustling of doom whispered on the wind.

In the years of my youth I was warned of this possible fate. The elders heard stories of such atrocities, they warned us to be vigilant and wise and to never let our guards down. Danger apparently lurked around every corner in those days. Being young we took it as lightly as we could for they were old and spent too much time in the clouds seeing what was not there. I could only sit in gloom as I watched what they said could pass come true.

I lived a good life. Always reaching for the top and applying myself resourcefully. I never took more from the soil than what I needed. With determination I grew taller than any others, stronger than even the elders of old. With valor I was appointed the peacekeeper of the forest, the protector of the land, and the reader of the winds.

Failure ran throughout my length. The reader of the winds has failed. The one everyone looked to sat idly by as strangers swarmed the countryside slaughtering his people. The murmurs of disappointment creaked through the forest as more and more voices went silent. My voice the quietest of them all.

No one could have prepared me for what I faced. Even with the knowledge that it could happen never was a remedy discussed. The elders in all their wisdom knew not what to do in the face of this kind of danger. Frustration gripped me as the war machines grew closer yet.

“Why must it be this way?” I cried loudly into the sky. The only response I received came from the angry calls of birds that had been startled by my outburst. My frustration turned to anger in the face of their daunting calls. To be a nomad, to be able to take flight when the moment turns for worse, to be so lucky, to be so free. I wept for I knew I would never be free, I would never escape this fate.

Day by day, the sounds and the men grew closer. Our voices continued to fall silent. I gloomily awaited my turn.

With the sun creeping over the horizon came the voices of the men. They brandished weapons with teeth covered by the blood of my comrades. They sang and whistled while they worked to eradicate all that stood before them. They called out triumphantly every time one of my people fell.

I trembled in anger as several of the men approached me with their weapon of death. They took their time getting ready by hoisting ropes over my arms and around my body. When all was ready they began the first cut. The pain was dulled by my fury and sadness.

In unison they began to cut deeper into me. They sawed back in forth while humming a tune I could not understand. I began to sway with their movements but I did not fall. I refused to fall.

Tears began to seep slowly as the pain grew worse. I felt each bite as the teeth tore through my skin. With the last of my life force slowly ebbing away I took a last look at my surroundings. Where my people had been, so lush and vibrant with life, was filled with churned earth and piles of bodies. There were men everywhere, they were mutilating the once beautiful landscape. With horror I saw a group in the distance cutting one of my neighbors in half. With a gasp and a shudder I lost control.

But the men never saw the full strength of my anger. I began to fall. The men called out with cheers as I felt my base come out from under me. I was too late.

I watched my body fall to the ground with an earth moving crash. I saw my brothers and sisters shudder in unison as they watched, horrified and speechless. Descending higher and higher into the clouds I saw the forest, my people, begin to mourn the death of the peacekeeper. From afar I saw the first leaves begin to fall as my people wept. As my conscience started to dissipate, feeling the reality of the world leaving me with sweet tendrils of haze, I gathered what life force I could. Massing in the center of the ethereal being that I had become, I forced my essence towards the earth.

-Beware man-

Storytime Thursday - Pirate

A little tribute for this weekend. Yarr!



Three days and counting down until we reached port. Three days and I would be off of this wretched ship called 'Petunia' and away from her nasty crew. Picking this vessel had been the worst way to start a new life in the new land. My disappointment in myself had only worsened on this twelve day trip and if I didn't get my act together I wasn't going to stay sane for much longer. What a way to start a new life.
Sounding loudly from the crow's nest came a panicked cry, "Ship starboard side!". The stark pronouncement snapped me quickly out of my reverie and sent me straight to pure panic. "I'm just a writer", I thought as my insides turned chill at the sight of a massive ship not twenty paces from the starboard rail. Teaming with foul men who's singular appearance spoke of dark things and rough lives. The beast of a vessel loomed high overhead making it easy for the pirates to cast grappling hooks over the railing. Before anyone had even moved, our ship had been taken.
I stood there in shock as men of the ghastly sort boarded our ship, no one moved. One by one the pirates slew the crew of 'Petunia', caught completely unprepared...we were but sheep to them. Twenty of their men were now aboard the ship, myself and two other crew members were left standing. From the massive ship came a gruff voice saying "Surrender ye weapons and ye'll be spar'd."
I couldn't believe what I heard! No one aboard the 'Petunia' had taken up arms! My thoughts were interrupted as a plank was lowered to the center of our deck. A burly man the color of death began swiftly walking down the wooden ramp. His steps were heavy from his thick black boots. They sparkeled a muted red in the sun. He started to laugh as he approached, "Not even a scratch, Yarley" he noticed as he patted a trenchcoat wearing mess of a man on the back. The other pirates began to laugh menacingly with their captain.
From below deck came a loud cry from our captain and the crewmembers who were stationed below. Hope welled within me as the doors leading to below burst open and charged towards the pirates' captain. I felt that we would be okay, the captain of 'Petunia' flowering before our eyes. A new day had begun for all of them!
Still laughing through the daunting battle cry of the crewmembers, the captain slowly drew from his left breast pocket a black pistol. The barrel was huge and long like a sword. Without even looking he aimed the barrel towards the charging crewmembers and shot the captain of our ship right in the middle of his forehead, the force of the blast knocking the captain back into his charging crew members. They were slaughtered by more gunshots as the pirates aboard 'Petunia' had also drawn their weapons.
My horror at the massacre was dulled when the captain stood in my face. His breath smelled of clove and onions, carmelized from the searing heat of his mouth. Numerous cuts graced his deeply pocked face. "Remember this", he whispered in my ear as he grabbed the back of my head, pulling my hair he brought me down to my knees. Laughing once more he backhanded me with such force I was thrown into a group of barrels tied to the railing. The world went black as their laughing filled my ears in muffled tones. My last thought before seeing the dark was Pirate.


"Pirate!", I yelled as I jerked from sleep.

Aye Carumba

It's October...already. Where did the time go?

I've entered month one of hell at work. If I want to be technical it started towards the end of last month and will last until the end of November...but who's really counting when hell is hell. Year end happened June 30 and now it's time to start publishing the Trust reports and our Comprehensive Annual Financial Report. These bad boys are beasts. And who does it fall on to maintain these projects? None other than yours truly.

I'm torn between being appreciative that I am secure in my position at work, while being horrified that I'm still doing something that I don't want to do. I know everyone encounters this during several points in their life so I am not going to really bitch about it. I will endure, continue to be an asset to the City and pray that one day a chance will fall in my lap that will rescue me. If you can't tell I love me some pipe dreams.

So where has the year gone? 6 months ago I started this blog to document my change and personal growth on this journey through 30. I think I've done pseudo well on the blog, as I could/should write more, and I've done extremely well in my personal life with the house/car/pets. But I wish there was more time. More time to spend with friends, more time to relax, more time to sleep (gawd I need sleep bad), more time to play, and more time to write. Of course everyone wishes for these things and more as well...so I'm not going to bitch about that either.

I ponder: I want to have a couple of friends over for dinner yet I don't want to cook the dinner...I just want to have friends over :P. I want to throw a Halloween party yet I know not when the best time would be. I want to see friends more yet the moment I get home I lose motivation on inquiring about their welfare and asking them to hang out.

I ponder: Do others think about their friends and think they should hang out before the day is over and the thought escaped them? Do others long for company yet want to have nothing to do with prep work as well? Do others love Halloween as much as I do? :)

My thoughts are jumbled. I realize now that the sanctity of my home (as it is a home now) is the black hole for motivation. It's so much easier to sit and drain my days away doing nothing or some miniscule task than to do something of value or spending quality time with friends. I sit staring in the face of the black hole and I long for things that I take for granted.

This too shall pass. Maybe it's the first touches of cold that Fall has ushered in, or maybe it's that I've done so much lately my body needs this brief time alone. So I fight the longing to do more while doing less.

Mind you, there will be a Halloween party...oh yes

Storytime Thursday - Nuts

It wasn't until I saw the squirrel running out of my open front door that I realized that I had been robbed. There he was in his brown furry glory, trailing a can of mixed nuts by a string hanging from his mouth. He looked smug. By the time I reached the end of my driveway my mouth had hit my lap causing me to accelerate almost too quickly. No, no I did not hit the garage door. And no, no I did not stop.

Fuming I kept accelerating while turning the wheel as fast as I could. The tires squealed loudly as I detoured through my yard and over the corner of my porch. I caught air. The jolt almost knocked some sense into me when the car landed, but seeing the thief skittering down the street while noisily trailing a can of mixed nuts behind him made me see red. I gunned it.

With my tires squealing I zoomed down the street chasing the culprit. The sound of the can dragging down the street was so loud it was like it was all around me. 'No squirrel was going to get the best of me' I thought as I chased violently after him. I swear I saw him look back at me and stick his tongue out.

Zigging and zagging I followed speedily. The beast was fast, so fast he left a dust trail when he cut across a neighbor's yard. I caught air as I hit the curb with a loud popping sound. I ignored everything but the squirrel, I was gaining on him.

I slammed on the breaks as the bastard stopped and ran underneath the car. I saw the can of mixed nuts bounce above my hood before being drug underneath the car and disappearing from sight. I quickly put it in reverse thinking he had made his worst decision yet.

Back over the curb I bounced. Seeing my bumper mangled in the yard infuriated me even further. "See what you did!", I screamed as I searched frantically for him. I spotted the can being drug into some bushes across the street. "Aha!", throwing it back in drive I gunned it for the bushes.

I didn't realize that the bushes hid a cozy little brick wall until it was too late. My windshield wipers were useless in removing the chunks of brick that now covered my car. But I was closer to the monster now. I could feel the strain on his little twig legs and I saw the sweat pouring from his brow.

Thinking to undo me he headed straight for a tree. Hot on the tail of the mixed nuts I followed where the tricky bugger did a circle and darted back towards the brick wall. 'That must be his home', I thought as I started gaining on him again.

Shock is the only thing I can think of to explain seeing him release the string and jump on a nearby trash can, it's the only thing that can explain why I kept going. Life went to slow motion then as I sped past the trashcan where he was perched. I caught his eyes as he flipped me off before he flew from the trashcan and right onto my face. I'm quite sure I screamed like a woman moments before his sharp claws penetrated my face. Have you ever smelled a sweating squirrel? The stench, I will tell you, is awful.

Resting softly on a giant pillow, drooling happily, in my dreams I heard the voice of a man calling to me. I was eating from my newly recovered can of mixed nuts and everything was right in the world, why was this man shouting angrily? As I slowly opened my eyes I saw the owner of the voice and a very shiny badge. Behind him, far behind yet close enough to be seen clearly, was the squirrel...munching on my nuts. I groaned before passing out once again.

The fish

Ruled by the sun and the moon
longing to spend time with them both
torn between moments when sunlight is bright
and darkness lays down his black cloak

Wanting to be with the day
to prance and frolic and play
splashing with waves in the warm summer sun
where fun whiles the worries away

Wishing the comfort of night
where every dark corner filled fright
dancing the streets where no one can see
to be the lone ruler of night

Together they both provide life
to thrive to live and survive
the fish moves along in his lazy fish pond
swimming circles to feel alive

you're all the time believing the very best in all but the devil was an angel, til he took a little fall.

In evaluating my current position in life, because it always changes and always will, I've decided that I'm happy but not happy with where I am. I was looking through some older pictures at about this time, trying to discover where I was back then. The first thing that struck me was that I had buzzed my hair like I've done now. Besides the fact that the receding hairline has claimed more real estate I looked exactly the same. But is everything the same?

When looking at the past I've learned that you cannot dwell on the past. The past is who you were at that given time, the events of life that have occured since then have changed you to who you are now, yet if you dwell on the past then you will be lost longing for what you were, in turn denying who you are now. It's not a pretty spiral to slide down. Be happy with you.

In this evaluation I liked who I was. This was pre-house and pre-Beyonce and back in the days of the evil Jeep with her many problems. Besides the obvious differences there was one thing that I was doing without fail, one thing that I've neglected in the past 6 months that has left a hole that is slowly growing bigger. I've divorced the gym...

Never have I been a gym bunny or a muscle head. I'm a little guy and will probably always be a little guy. I can accept that. But lately I've let myself go. I find the ease and comfort of being home much more welcome than the sweat and judginess of others at the gym. Before it was go go go never go home let's go work out let's do this let's do that let's drive around let's go go go. Now it's a gentle whisper in the back of my head filled with sorrow, a small small small voice saying "hey you, let's go work for it, you deserve it." But the oatmeal cream pie in the cabinets scream louder.

I've let myself go. And I don't like it.

On the plus side, my Pisces brain has convinced me that giving up soda will somehow correct the problem. That giving up the 4 bottles a day of Mountain Dew will shed the handles of love that have taken up residence and trim me back down to little guy stature. The reality is that yes, it will help, but no, it won't do it all.

With the fog of headaches from the withdrawal finally behind me I believe that I can make it happen. One small step at a time to living healthy again. I like to imagine that when I do start again the results will be insane. I also like to imagine that I live in a castle and have a silver tiara. Pipe dreams. Just remember that all pipes lead to open water where the fish truly do swim free.

Fridays are for Dreaming

When I was a Knight of the round
with Excalibur sword and long flowing gown
Where I battled the enemies of sweet Camelot
who were raiding and looting all that they sought
on the fields of green that soon turned red
when her warriors unleashed their terrible dread
in the name of Arthur they rallied the call
for the memory of name would bring their downfall

We feasted on bounty prepared with care
while recounting of tales that were slurred with beer
where the minstrels and maidens aimed to please
and the lord's enemies were brought to their knees
for nothing could break the city so sweet
who's banners shone brightly and fluttered in breeze
when the sun lightened walls with a glowing glare
one would wonder if she was really there

Such a sight to my eyes doth the memory still burn
like the night long ago when the city had turned
and the turmoil and savagery was brought to the streets
and the secrets of Camelot were no longer discreet
when the tower came crashing and pummeling down
sending madness and chaos throughout the town
with awe in my eyes I could only stare
before turning away like I was never there
when I was a knight of the round
glory and honor abound
____________________________

I'm quite possibly in love with the following song, there's no video for it yet so I'm posting what was available. They have a theatrical/musical appeal to this song that leaves me to dream. I only hope that when they do make a video they capture the artistic vision that I see, or do it even better. Care to dream with me?

existence

Behold the power in my hands as I create. Existence.

With the remnants of Hermine bearing down on the plains I can't help but feel giddy. Being a Pisces I thrive with water, and this tropical storm has provided me with lots to thrive on. Oh how I long to be at home watching, basking, glowing.

I know not what is in store for this creative evening, but I know I will create. With all of the forces swirling around me it would be a shame not to take hold, and through pure force of will, shape something into creation.

Today I am.

from whence I came

As the breath
falls down my neck
with icy silence do I gasp
and grip the wheel to take a left
and remove myself from this beaten path
where shivers rumble through my spine
I feel the movement from behind
but terror keeps from taking look
where demons haunt in every nook
it's dark from whence I came
and light casts but a fleeting flame
to taunt and laugh as I hear my name
in the dark from whence I came.
____________________________________________________________________

Looking back on roads forgotten I find myself on the precipice overlooking a crystal clear lake. With fierce winds blowing and a fright of falling head over heel I back away slowly as I stare in wonder at the waves. The reflection of the hills and valleys, green and lush in summer glory, captures the mist in my eyes. I long to go forward on the adventure. I fear the fall, I fear the fall.

With satchel clamped securely I inch forward slowly, breathing deeply, breathing strongly. Upon the choices given in life I work my way down the pedestal towards the verdant green. The great unknown is calling and with it rides determination. Speaking my name. Calling softly. Musically. I sing the songs of glory as they tumble through my head, a focus steady drumming to scare away the dread. I will not fall, I will not fall.

The rocks so sharp with pain to gain in life I cannot see. A new horizon welcomes me as a slide on shaky feet. It is my will for it is my wish and it was my dream to be. Where climbing mountains tis of thee can lead to shiny sea. And with majestic majesty...do I long to dream.

Waking on the forest floor with sky marred half by night. I stare up towards the precipice of where I was before. Alive I check for scathings on the skin that armor is. Finding naught but scrapes and scratches I smile deep within. A bruise will form I can feel it now, a gentle reminder that I lived, a gentle reminder that I live.

With satchel restored to proper tightness and song checked in my head, I resume the walk. Slowly for I hurt. I follow no path for the light shows me none. Using senses honed by time I discover. The lake with waves so high it speaks and sows a story so deep. A memory that was long forgot buried deeply in my soul. Dredges itself in the pool of thoughts beckoned by water's fold. The mist in my eyes overcome the dam where it pooled itself comfortably. With tears rolling down my dirt stained face I wake from peaceful dream, I wake from peaceful dream.

the murky waters

I have fat fingers that sometimes like to push more than one button at a time. I get hasty, I feel that I should rush through whatever I'm doing for fear of losing the thoughts that I've constructed in my brain. But I mess up, I make mistakes, and I try to correct them. But my brain continues on the path causing my fingers to mash out response after uncomprehending response until I'm forced to halt completely until my fingers have caught up, but by then the brain has forgotten what it was saying.

Apply this to life. I remember things well, however it takes a few for the memory to dredge itself up from the caverns of my giant head. This works well for listening as I like to believe I'm one of the best listeners you will find and I can provide good advice without taking sides (drama free advice), however it works poorly if you ask what where we just talking about. My brain is like a churning pool, always twisting in the mire, whose waves are heavy with knowledge, but like the river slowly moving.

And thus I go through life. Never one to fully remember the saying that made the trip grand, never able to repeat the exact phrase that made me snort milk, nor able to recall the conversation where I gave the best advice of my life. I remember the feeling more than the words that accompanied it, I remember the responses of emotions that followed the utterances. I remember but I don't.

For this I seem aloof. Always a part of the conversation yet somewhat away at the same time. I contribute if I have something to say, but when it topics on something that I'm not familiar or find terribly boring I smile and absorb it, I file it away for later use if ever the use should arise, and I await the moment that my voice finds comfort to speak again.

It's worse when the group is large. I love groups, I love to gather as many friends around as possible, yet I am quiet in those settings. Not that I don't have anything to say, I panic in the face of attention. I'm always more of me in a situation where it's one on one, or two...or maybe even three. But put more than that and watch me observe...it is my 'fault', and I am working on it, and given time can overcome.

paint

I set a goal, one within reason, within reach, within my capabilities. And I reached that goal. Piece by little piece are the semblances of my home life coming together.

Thanks to Stephen, a great motivation I am finding, I have finally painted my kitchen. Gone are the banana colored walls, to be replaced with Orange Ice (think sherbet ice cream). The change was instantaneous, going from dull and lifeless to thought provoking and hunger striking, yes...it really does make me hungry when I see it. My hopes are that it will inspire me to cook more, which is not in my forte but being as I'm 30 and should consider myself a grown up I should not survive off of microwave meals and Taco Bell...but oh how I love Taco Bell.

To have a project of this magnitude done is inspiring. First, because I've put it off for so long. Second, because I have the itch now. I want to paint more, well not really...to clarify I want to get the rest of the house done. In my repetoire of to-do's I have my bedroom and the living/dining room to do. These are all simply done as the color has been picked out and the supplies are there, it just requires a bit more of that motivation. But what to do first?

The great thing is that I have completed a task and can now move on to another one. I promise that I won't start right away, I mean I am the lazy perfectionist and I rush for no man, thing, blah blah blah. I'll do it in my own time, but it makes the perfectionist in me happy to no end.
_____________________________________________

Long ago I made promise after promise to call my mom at least once a week, only to fail and fail again that I never made the call and then would dread having to explain why I haven't called filling it with empty excuses. Needless to say my mom and I have come to terms that pretty much we're not going to call unless the mood strikes or there is something crazy going on with the family. My siblings have all been forced into that mode as well. Luckily most of my friends are texters, versus callers, so I pretty much avoid the above situation with them. Also add in that Facebook is so easily accessible that verbal communication with friends or family is almost extinct...that's a weird thought.

But lately I've been lacking in even the texting department. I used to be this guy who would write long essay type emails filled with all kinds of useless thoughts and ramblings about whatever might have happened that day. After a series of "oh crap I've said too much" moments I have cut it back considerably. It doesn't feel natural to not write a lot, it's what I do and it's who I am. But for fear of leaving the reader bored out of their mind I've toned it down. I want to revert back, I want to spread my useless knowledge in cleverly written emails that go on for days and days, but time prevents this from happening. Time, inspiration, work...all kindling for the flame that blocks my path you could say.

So please take this as an "I'm sorry for not responding". I want to, and I will soon :)

Side note: When I first purchased my phone I was excited for touch screen and thought I would love it forever. That feeling lasted maybe a month. It's slow, it freezes up on me, it kills processes randomly, and it randomly won't send texts when it says I have all 4 bars. My thoughts are that I'll be switching to the Iphone very soon and I imagine that I'll love it for a month before hating it as well :P

My longing to be technologically savvy is stunted by my granola bearings in life.

dissipator

On feelings where I base most of my actions I am defined by tons. I recently changed my relationship status, and the feedback has been great, the spreading of the tale has been well received and well wishes harmoniously intertwine with good luck. I am happy.

A dear friend ditched me. With plans made to movie watch and food explore were swept under the rug to be forgotten. The recent news crushed the event. I responded with "oh...". What did it mean? As the heaviness of the feeling that I cannot escape is that there was more, so much more attached to the friendship than what I allowed myself to see, than what I allowed myself to recognize.

I ponder longer and longer whether the case is lone. Whether the feeling that I base all upon has been tainted, or blinded, or if it has gone lazy like me. Or has it been lazy all along? Do I do this to myself? Do I lead those along to my whim in hopes that they'll be there when I call? Even without intentions was intention there?

I'm met with dismay and sadness on a happy day. I've been thrust upon a field of change that was a slight repercussion of the change that I've created. Yet I feel that this will not be the only recourse, this will not be the only crack in the foundation of what I thought was real. With my glowing happiness doth I create sparks that cause bridges to burn. But one can believe that entering into a union does the bridge disappear.

I am me. I have not changed the me that I am, nor will I ever to fit in. I like, no...I love, who I am. I've built my life around me, I've filled it with great people who allow me to shine and who shine with the allowance that I can provide. That does not change because of a relationship, nor will it ever. He is he and I am me and together a we shall we be, yet always a he and always a me for if we were we then never a he or me.

I will be the dissipator who disperses the dark clouds on the horizon.

unpacked bags

Unpacking the bags that I've packed long ago
when the windows were shuttered, packed, covered with snow
to the hearth with the fire where I loose my desire
and I look in your eyes to see the surprise
that I'm staying, I'm staying I don't want to leave
can you feel the excitement that's carried on breeze
with the smoke up the chimney and out on the roof
go my hopes and my dreams as they travel with luck
and I'm grasping, I'm grasping at colorful straws
for your hand as it's blurry for it lingers not long
where I shudder quite deeply when into your eyes
sparks the sinister smile that prompted goodbye
a teardrop the size of a giant's fist
crashes to flame with the sound of a kiss
with the sputters and mutters of flame long gone dry
a whisper escapes where you tell me...

purring

to purr - to make a low vibrant sound, usually considered as expressing pleasure.

If you were to run into me today I believe that you would say I was purring. Not an overtly loud obnoxious purring mind you...this purr is from absolute contentment. I may have found my muse, and she's leading me down a path of inspiration that hasn't been tapped for years. I make no promises with the exception of saying I will finish what needs to be done so the block that I've created in myself can fully dissipate.

No, I still haven't painted the kitchen. But, I did put together a desk that has been sitting in my office in its box for over 3 weeks. Plus, I washed the dogs. I'm finally realizing the things that need to be done and I'm embarking on the journey to do them.

Being I'm a Pisces it is quite difficult to stay focused. Allow the story of the power drill to provide some insight into the former statement: After setting out all parts I decide that I need to get the power drill and screwdriver from my laundry room. Upon arrival at the laundry room I see that the clothes are finally finished washing, I proceed to empty the dryer, load the washing machine and then take the clothes into the bedroom. Once in the bedroom I lay them out intending to put them up when I realize that I forgot the drill. I abort the clothes and proceed back into the laundry room to get the drill, upon arrival again I see that the dogs need food and water. I proceed to fill their bowls and start heading back into the office to finish the desk. What did I forget again? The drill. I head back to the laundry room and pick it up finally, but forget the screwdriver, luckily I realize this and stop in the dining room and put down the drill. I head back to the laundry room and pick up the screwdriver. Upon arrival in the kitchen I retrieve a glass of water which then makes me want to have a smoke. I head to the front porch and puff away for a few before returning to the office to continue on the desk...without the drill. Let's just say the desk took 3 1/2 hours to complete and I learned a valuable lesson that I should always have all supplies available before I start a project.

I have many more projects to finish, but I feel armed with a better knowledge and understanding of the way I work so that I can complete them. This provides a huge amount of comfort which adds to my contentment.

I am a smitten kitten with a purr that could calm the world.

the power in a name

I was reading an email this morning about a child's perspective of what love is. My favorite quote is this: "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." This got me to thinking about my previous week, my life, and my loves. I say loves with pride, because I am fortunate that I have been in love before and I know I will again. But this child's statement puts love in a simplistic form that can be easily understood.

Think about it, when you say the name of a family member (or pet) you somewhat say it with a smile. When you hear your name come from the lips of someone who loves you, you can hear the smile on their face as well. If you were to hear your name from someone in passing you can definitely feel the unfamiliarity of the word as it escapes with their voice. A name holds power, a name can strike fear or infuse strength, the way the name is said is magical.

For this child to say "you know that your name is safe in their mouth" is moving to me. I noticed it this prior week, how only the kindest and most moving people were given my name, and when the word came from their mouth it was captivating to me. Whereas people that I'd known longer threw around my name with a lazy flair, there was no love, there was no safety. I'm not worried about that, they can continue to lazily throw my name about in their own careless way, I'm not worried because it is their loss. They miss out on knowing the true me, and the bonus is that they've created a space where someone else did get to know the true me. I want my name to be safe in the mouths of those that I care about, and luckily in life you get to choose who is able to care about yourself.

This kind of goes along with my plan of dismissing the old who don't contribute in my life. Saying goodbye to the hi friends. And saying hello to the friends who take care of my name. On the same note I want to be able to say another's name with the same care.


Totally random thought: As we were on our flight home my roomie from the hotel witnessed a middle eastern male board the plane wearing a turban. My roomie proceeded to say "oh shit" and make some comments about this to another Oklahoman about the passenger. He looked at me to include me in the conversation but I gave him a blank stare. In my head I'm thinking why are you being an ass about him? Does he not have the same rights as we to fly the skies? I wanted to voice these words but I did not. I feel guilty because I did not. I know it's not my place to right all the wrongs in the world, and I feel good that I did not contribute in the beratement of another fellow human being. But I should have said something...and now that moment has passed and I will always live in the slight shame that I didn't speak up on something that I cared about.

I will never say something about another person that I would not want said about myself. I will perform no actions against another creature that I would not want performed against me. I will do no wrong to others when wrong is not what they deserve. These are my beliefs and what I strive to live by, but why can I not speak up for those who are living their lives like me, one day at a time.

As the final passengers finish boarding there is one guy who walks on with a box covered in a black plastic bag, the plastic bag is secured by massive amounts of duct tape so the box maintains it's shape. My roommate looks at me and we both bust out laughing. It's funny what events in our culture has made humorous given certain situations.

airport edition

You go to the gay softball world series for many different reasons. Some people go for the games, they are the hardcore, the dedicated. They want to win and they will do all that they can to do so. This event was made for them. Others go for the experience. For the chance to meet up with up with other people who are like themselves but from a different state or country. No matter why, everyone should go.

If you were to say to me that I would go and have the best experience of my life, making true friends for life and never want to leave I would think that you were crazy. Luckily however it's how it happened for me. Allow me to spill my thoughts from this crazy once in a lifetime trip.

First off, Grindr I hate you. It's somewhat sickening to see almost every gay guy in Columbus checking his phone to see if someone has responded to them. It's even more sickening to attempt to have a conversation with a supposedly great friend where it's one sided because they are Grindr'ing instead of chatting. I understand that Grindr allows you to be who you are without having to embarass yourself with social awkwardness. But how are you supposed to improve your social awkwardness if you don't put yourself in those social situations? I had some great Canadians explain this to me a bit - for some people (like themselves) Grindr is a free outlet to keep in touch with friends, granted they see their friends business because hello it's all thrown out there for you to see, but where texting or phone calls can get pricey and what not Grindr is free and fast. Kind of like Yahoo chat but catered to the gay folk. I learned while chatting with them that my dislike of this social network is caused a bit by ghosts of the past. Knowing this helps but it still does not bring a desire to join the revolution. I'll stick to Facebook...it's safer :P

This week was a great way to be myself in a place where the fear of being judged was non existent. The atmosphere was relaxed and laid back, everyone was there to have a good time. This made it extremely easy to make friends with new people. A quick synopsis of our country is: East coast and West coast is coated with the most unfriendly people. The central states by far have the friendliest people in the world. Canadians from Toronto or Montreal have an air of betterness aboot them (yes aboot is spelled wrong on purpose). Canadians from Vancouver are by far the nicest people in the world.

I spent most of my week with the latter. Canada is probably the most liberal and free country in the world, granted they pay for it, but as a whole they are the most laid back. This makes their people very friendly and open to new ideas and experiences. Pizza on the lawn of the Ohio state capitol? Yes please. Seriously they are the reason this was the best vacation ever. It's always fun when you can laugh at every other word someone says because they're pronouncing it wrong :)

So I went on this trip in hopes of making better friends with my teammates, but I have to say that I'm sadly disappointed with them. The team is so disorganized that there were no team dinners and poor communication on when to get together. Best statement: It was high school all over again. This pretty much led me to search out the Canadians, thank jeebus for them! Don't get me wrong, I like my teammates and I really got to know a couple of them and I'm extremely grateful, but I realized that they definitely are younger than me. Also - see the Grindr paragraph :)

I'm pretty sure I'm going to write more about this experience and the trip as a whole...because I could talk for days about it. But this being the airport edition means that I don't have as much time as is required.

Best realization: I like who I am.

discovery

As Columbus once sailed the grand expanses of the ocean in discovery of a bright new world, I too am discovering what Columbus has to offer. Starting off this is a business vacation for me. I'm here for softball first and foremost. In some minds this is a trip to party and party they will do, but not in mine. I came to play, to do my best, and to hopefully win.

With that said...it's hard not to party. But partying in moderation is not such a bad thing. I didn't arrive until after 9pm Ohio time, that led to finding where the teammates were located, who of course were out at the bars. Now there are 160 some odd teams from all across America here. Add 10 to 20 people per team and you will quickly realize that Columbus has been inundated with quite possibly some of the most fit, hottest gay guys you could ever find. It's horribly tempting to whore yourself out. Good thing I'm not a whore.

It's funny to me how the Grindr revolution has taken hold. I personally don't feel the need, nor desire, to subscribe to this. Call me old fashioned but I believe there are better ways to find guys and "hook up", and viewing your naked pics just doesn't do it for me. Nevertheless, there are soooooo many dudes on Grindr doing just that. What ever happened to the smile and a "hello"?

Anywho...hot guys, all looking to hook up, and I'm here to play ball...not that kind of ball silly, softball. This is going to be the strangest, possibly most innuendo filled, most fulfilling self discovery week that I could ever have given myself. I knew that I'd be in for some craziness....but I don't think that I fully grasped the scope of it.

Favorite random elevator quote from the weekend: "OKC boys are the hottest, and we're from LA so that should say something". I wonder if smog has dulled something in them :)

I sit watching people today in anticipation of the upcoming games. This shall be a grand day in a grand city with grand people.

the aimless arrow

First off, I discovered Jay Brannon just yesterday from my buddy Stephen. Not only does he have a beautiful voice, but he's gay and is proud of who he is. He releases everything on Youtube so if you get a chance you should check him out.

This entire week has been drull. I don't know if it's vacation anticipation or if it's because the moon is sextiling with Venus in Libra (sounds dirty) or some craziness like that. But it doesn't just seem like it's me. Everyone seems just a little bit off. Well needless to say the depression monster has dipped his claws into my brain once again. It's okay, I think some forms of depression are healthy. Plus his name is Bill and he makes delicious tea.

Anyways, I feel aimless. I have all of these projects and things that need to be done yet I have no motivation to do them. Heck...I don't even know where to begin when I do get motivated to do something. I've gone on this rampage of buy buy buy and have neglected anything to do with maintain. I have a stable home yet I feel that I'm letting everything around it fall apart. That is by no means a comforting thought.

I'm hoping that it's all chalked up to the dry days of summer. Everything is dying outside and the heat is almost unbearable. This makes it hard to get motivated to do anything outdoors, heck it makes it hard to do anything period.

With a visit from Bill also comes a visit from phlegm build-up, allergies, and a cough. I think if I can get rid of Bill's homies then I can get rid of Bill. I just hope I can do it before the weekend, and if not at least before next week.

After all of these years of in and out relationships this song hits home. I'm pre-conditioned to be a housewife in many ways. I long for it sometimes. Don't get me wrong I enjoy being on my own and having it all to myself...I am in fact selfish in many ways. But what I miss is the direction, the honey do this honey do that. I need that direction. With it's vacancy I have no motivation to complete the tasks that I have before me. Backwards? Yes.

thank you weekend

Last week was a purely unmotivational week. I had failure to thrive times 5. Every day I did the least amount of work available to keep my conscience from feeling terrible about not actually working. I still have failure to thrive...but I'm getting more accomplished.

I don't hate my job, I just dislike what I do even though it's fascinating and I'm a pivitol part of the maintenance process. The things that I've learned in excel can be skills that will take me far should I ever pursue another career, I just don't see that happening. Also, even though I dislike what I do, I have a lot of leeway on how I accomplish my tasks. And an added bonus is that I can practically wear what I want (within reason) and can take off whenever needed with no questions asked. Okay enough about that part, I'm lucky to be where I am so I can't complain. It's just sooooo boring.

This weekend I was privy to a great time that makes all of the work worth it. Starting with a great dinner at Cheever's on Friday followed by movie night with friends followed by night swimming and snuggling. Friday set the tone for how the weekend was going to be because it was such a great time. I really do have some great friends and continue to meet fun and fabulous people!

Saturday was my favorite day because I drove up to Tulsa where I treated the women folk in my family to mani/pedi's. My mom and sister had never had them done before! It was a great feeling to be able to provide something to them that would make them feel great, and great they felt. We followed that up with lunch at Smashburgers (delicious!)... Overall it was great to hang out with them, away from the husbands and kids. I truly look forward to another girl's date where we can all do something else to make us feel pretty. :)

Another round of night swimming and a trip to the bars finished up Saturday. I was fortunate enough to hang out with my old roomies, who I hadn't seen in like a month. Overall Saturday was an awesome day filled with reconnecting with those that I hadn't seen in awhile.

Sunday was brutally hot. I brunched at Pearl's where I was there for literally two hours. Great company makes bad service bearable. Then I had a date with the sun and my PS3, both of whom appreciated me spending time with them. And topped off Sunday with softball practice. 2 1/2 hours of running, sweating, gasping, and inviting soreness into my body. However my confidence in my softball abilities has risen and I am feeling a lot better about how we'll do at the Gay Softball World Series next week.

So thank you weekend, you were everything I had hoped for and more. You reinforced confidence in myself, which was needed badly. I miss you already, but I look forward to many more great ones to come.

the way I am

First off - I love this video - it's cutesy, love this song, love her. Love it :)

Second off - I'm terrified of clowns so I'm not posting her "official" video, but I'm on clown therapy where I'm fortunate enough to have coworkers who are trying to rid me of my fear by clowning me. Clowning is where you are constantly bombarded with clowns via texting or emailing, even printing of pictures and plastering all over your cubicle. Hateful. But helpful.

Third off - I'm on the verge. I've been on the verge for awhile on the relationship aspect. I almost got stuck in the bitter stage of after love, but I think I pulled through quite nicely. Luckily I've recently made some really great friends who keep the world in perspective. It reminds me that I am where I need to be. Well lately there's a bloke who has caught my fancy, which isn't hard to do mind you, but he caught it and is taking it for a run.

I'm excited to see where it goes, I know we all get caught up in the puppy dog stage where everything is great and nothing can go wrong...and sadly that's where it all goes wrong from the start. I'm trying to enter this with the leash held tightly, I want to stay in control and not to let feelings take off and lead me down the same path that I always follow. Bad dog.

I think forced events, jobs - school - busy schedules - different cities, will keep the reality of the situation in the forefront. Normally these would be things that would keep me from a relationship, if you don't have time for me then why should you be with me? But I'm realizing that that concept was retarded from the start, it's like playing blocks and trying to build that giant tower with a circle at the base...can we say topples? You can't control relationships. Period.

Change is good and healthy. I think one of the most unique things about me is that you have my trust from the start. I can look at you and tell if you're a good person or not (Pisces intuition) and it takes a lot for me to lose that trust in you. Most people find it intimidating, how can you trust someone you don't know? Look around...you trust in so much more than you let on. The food prep guy at McDonalds, the cashier at 7-11, the police who patrol the streets. Secretly you're trusting of everyone. You just have to learn to bring that to the surface and let it go. It's okay, I'm not expecting you to just start doing it, you'll do it in your own time and the great thing about life is that it's long and joyful, so there's time.

Anyways back to me :) It's weird when you meet someone that you like. You try to scan out all of the possible futures with that one person until you say what the hey...let's just see what happens. When you don't plan for the magic that's when the magic happens. Every smile is magical. And I long for the magic. My goal is to be me, through and through.

Soon we'll be found

It's a Sia kind of day, mellow but happy, tired but gratified, sublime. Sia is one of those artists that I can listen to time and time again no matter what mood I'm in. I find her music soothing and inspiring. Every song evokes certain feelings, and at times stirs in me something deeper than what I've felt before. If you haven't heard her you should definitely check her out.

I'm a bit sad over the possible demise of Escapeokc. Escape has provided me an outlet to write meaningful articles and have them published where I hope that someone can benefit from it. The articles I write are secretly titled "Memoires to myself", and they serve as reminders of the things that I've learned over the years. Think of it as a roadmap of how I got here.

Well I was pondering how am I going to be able to keep writing a new article every two weeks without ending up sounding preachy or repeating myself. Luckily I believe everything happens for a reason in our lives and something happened that hasn't forced my hand, but has left me with a moral decision to answer for myself. Let's explore what has happened without going into too much detail...

The publisher of the magazine has a personal feud with a guest writer. The guest writer doesn't follow the rules and ends up having his article never being published. The guest writer is angry and does angry things including sending emails to the publisher that aren't particularly nice nor flattering. The publisher then publishes one of the guest writer's emails causing a stir in the community and thereby in doing so changes the entire goal of the magazine. In essence he's made it acceptable to submit an article slandering another individual.

My morale dilemma: First I'll state that I'm not getting paid to share my ideas. I'm in it to help people and to write things that make people think. Second, I don't subscribe to drama, I really want to be a drama free zone and here we have drama being thrown in my face. Me being a writer for the magazine makes me feel like I have to choose a side thereby embracing the drama. I refuse to do so. I refuse to support a magazine that will slander someone else because the someone isn't happy with what was agreed upon. My opinion is that the publisher should apologize for publishing the email and telling the story. I truly believe that dirty laundry should be kept between the bedmates of those who made the laundry dirty.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I feel that I have contributed as much as I can to Escapeokc with my free thoughts. After that everything feels forced and unnatural, as in I'm taking on topics that I don't truly believe in. I refuse to write about something that I'm not passionate about. I knew that my time was drawing to an end, but am I done?

I think for now I am. I do not want to be associated with a magazine that isn't appreciative of the work that I do, that does not provide feedback to it's writer's so they can grow, and doesn't provide guidance on what the magazine is trying to become. I really don't want to be associated with a magazine that will use it's new found power to flame another individual. Read my stuff and you'll see that I'm about self empowerment and making the world a better place, and this latest drama is definitely taking it in a different direction.

So as Sia says "Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep, tonight don't turn away it's just there's nothing left here, to say, turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found."

the update

I started this blog on my 30th birthday for several reasons. The first was that I needed an outlet to document my journey into manhood, which honestly I didn't think I would be able to keep up with. Secondly, I knew I needed a way to express myself in a way that was honest and pure...pretty much what you see is what you get with me and I have so much built up inside that sometimes words are the only way to express them. Third and last is to prevent the bottling up that I tend to do frequently. With the last one I can proudly say I haven't bottled anything up since I've started it. All three reasons have kept me pretty sane on this magical journey of 30 and I'm glad that I've started The Lazy Perfectionist.

To the readers: Thank you for reading. I honestly didn't, don't, expect anyone to read this. There is so much out there in the world that is interesting and so much that you could learn from. My hope is that if you do read this then you have hopefully learned something about honesty and expressing how you feel even when you don't want to. I'm huge into self empowerment, you can do it because the power is in you, and I hope that all of my writing is infused with the feelings that you can.

My update for 30 is just grand. I know that I'm a pretty happy guy all around, and even if I wasn't where I am now I would still be joyous in the things that I've achieved. It's humbling beyond words to realize that things are great and I've reached a spot where I can truly and honestly say that I feel whole and complete. My wish is that everyone can reach this zen state and live happily, but I know that it takes self awareness and only they can say when zen has entered into them.

Here's a picture update of the zen in my life. 5 major things that have changed me for the better:
Muffin - I got Muffin 4 years ago because I wanted a dog, and I was trying to replace one that I loved who ran away a year before (that should have been a hint). I wasn't ready for this dog, she was as hyper as I was (even more so) and she still is to this day. This is my patience tester...she day in and day out wears on me and pushes me to the brink. I have this silly little goal of breaking her and making her a good dog. Funny thing is that she is a good dog and she's the one who broke me. Major thing number 1 - teaching me patience.


Beyonce - Most of you know the story of Beyonce, she was running loose in an oilfield in Calumet where my bosses husband brought her home to me. She was raggedy and a mess. But I cleaned her up and gave her a home and she has been the best dog that I could have ever gotten. She taught me what true thankfulness is. Every day I can see in her one blue and one brown eye (creepy I know) how happy she is that she has a home and a steady meal and water and love to call her own. She will always be a reminder that if I can provide to those less fortunate I will do my best to do so.


My house - Casa de la Summers. Of all of the homes that I've lived in over the many brief periods through life this one is truly home. And I've lived in a lot of homes...a whole lot of homes. From a box to a house, it's like a rags to riches story for me, granted it wasn't a homeless cardboard box but you get the idea. This was the first transition that made me realize that I wasn't a kid anymore.


Bianca - I know I know get off the car already. I'll keep it brief - she is proof that you don't have to settle for something that will break down frequently leaving you stranded. She is proof that hard work does pay off and you can get what you want in the end.


Me - I saw a friend the other night when I was working at the bar. She came up to me and didn't asked how I was because she could see it on my face. She said, "Jason, you look great, you look happy, I can tell that things are going well for you and I am happy for you". Working at the bar has helped bring me out of my shell, it's taught me to talk to strangers where once that was taboo to me. It's taught me to own who I am and be confident in what I do, if I lost confidence then the bar would be a wreck!
I add me to the list because I've been working on myself for years as well, I'd been searching for the zen in life and I believe that I am on the cusp of finding it. I know I have a ways to go and I know that it will be a long road before I'm fully there, but I also know that I've made strides to get here. I will use my words to fight the wrong in the world and to bring awareness to those unaware. I will use my smile to disarm the angry and soothe the hurting. I will use my time to work for good. I will be the best me that I can be, because it's the only way that I can be. (didn't mean for that to rhyme) :)

Now if only I can learn to open my eyes in pictures so I don't look like I'm stoned all the time...that would be great :)

dis'n the old

I'm pondering the disposition of the old. Of any person in the world I believe I am the most proficient at ignoring what isn't present. In the realm of friendships I am exceptionally good at letting them go. This is sort of bad. But it's also sort of good. I believe that's how life is handled, period.
Day in and day out you are introduced to new and amazing people. What you choose to do with those people is completely up to you. They can be a chance encounter or they can become a life long friend. There's tons of people in the world and there's only one you. So the hardest thing to do in life is accept that you cannot have everyone. But you can always have you.
The great things about great friends is that there is never a parting point. Granted you could not see them for an hour, 3 weeks, or even months or years. But since there is no parting point they pick up right where you left off.
That's the way life should be. Take my kitchen for example. I bought paint 3 weeks ago. 3 days ago I frog taped the walls. Today, the kitchen is still not painted. But when I do paint it, it'll be happy to see me put it to use. I love my friends. :)

touch

smiling rejection

Smile. Because you can. Because you have a face that has the ability to do so. Because you breath life. Because you are you.

So I'm a little over rejection. Not that rejection is a bad thing mind you. But because rejection comes with a negative stereotype. I'm okay that I've been rejected, it's life and it happens all the time. Everyone reaches a certain point at a certain time. But not everyone's certain times work out to be the right time for both people. Again...that's life.

But I can be over it all the same. Yes I want to be wanted by who I want. Yes that's EXTREMELY selfish. And yes I might cry about it ----> Allergies stirring up my weepy eyes!

I'm learning patience. And I haaaaaaate patience, because mainly I have none and it's hard for me to wait patiently for anything. So I'm on this crusade to be patient, accept rejection, and smile (because I mean it when I do).

Luckily I'm a happy guy. Things rarely get to me and I can go with the flow like the Pisces I am. Though I do get tired of swimming in circles sometimes, I mean I do like a change in scenery every now and then.

Current random life ifs: Stop placing myself in positions to get rejected :)
Paint the kitchen (seriously I bought the paint and supplies)
Columbus kind of terrifies me (3 weeks and counting down)

Current random life dids: Trimmed the trees in the backyard
No longer have to clear out spare bedroom for possible new roomie :(
Made my bed !

The end of the Jeep

El saga del diablo un tres: Jeepa go bye bye.

This weekend I went to Okmulgee to see my family. It was much needed, and very long overdue. First off it's amazing how close my family really truly is, they are a support system all in itself and I have to count my lucky stars that I get to call them mine. Needless to say this trip was much needed.

Anywho...Beyonce Bones, Muffin Cakes, and myself are all heading back to the City, singing songs loudly in the jeep while enjoying the solitude on the road, when out of nowhere the jeep starts acting up. I know the tell tale signs because unfortunately it's happened twice before (way back in January and February). These signs are fuel pump issues. She wheezes. She sputters. She goes. She stops. She decides to go again. She stops. She dies. And it's freaking hot outside, miserably hot. I'm not so worried about myself, it's the girls that concern me now, and of course the fact that I am the proud owner of a salvaged piece of crap jeep.

I desperately hope that she'll make it home to no avail. I end up having to have the beast towed to the shop, where like the first two sad encounters they cannot find anything wrong with the vehicle. I decided to take action into my own hands, because I couldn't bare the thought of having to rely on another individual again for a week (yes again!). I trapse off to the Mazda dealership and purchase me a brand spankin new Mazda6, the color I want and the specs that I want.

This is my first brand new car in all of my 30 years. Granted I'm no longer officially out of debt anymore, but I am in a smart planned debt. Everything that I've worked so hard for all of these many long and grueling years, all while being held under the thumb of the jeep (she was great at first) have finally payed off.

Goodbye jeep, I look forward to the day that the insurance company comes to take you away and sends me a fat check in your stead. Yes, that's right, a fat check. Somehow I am lucky enough that they will still total the damn thing out even though I accepted a salvage title on it. Mad props to Travelers for working with me and being great! :)

Thank you Jeep, you made 0% interest possible, you made my credit rating skyrocket due to all of the hard years of paying your outrageous car payment, you made my patience level rise because of your constant breaking down. I'll miss you Jeep, you've had so many memories that will be cherished forever. I look forward to the day that I'll drive your daughter, because I promise you I will. You've stolen my heart and even though I hate you right now I will always be fond of you and your kind, and I will return to you one day (okay not you really but you know what I mean).

Raaaawr ?

Happy Monday and goodbye bitter. This is my motto for today.

I had an epiphany on Sunday morning. Something about waking up on my living room floor with a slightly broken (really small fracture that hurts like hell) right foot that kind of makes you step back and say whoa. Needless to say sometimes you need a little bit of pain to help snap you back into the swing of things.

Whereas I am a fan of healthy bitter, in my case I was entering into the poisonous kind of bitter...which is so not cool. I'm too happy to let something/anything poison that and take it away. I love to smile too much to live in the unhappy state that bitterness provides. So today, being a new day and all, will be a new day :)

K, so about my foot, complete and unedited: I had a great night with dinner and watching "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" at the Civic Center...then I proceed to go out where I consumed copious amounts of Jagermeister along with various versions of cocktails. The great, and not so great, thing about me is that I know my limit. I recognized at the end that I had reached and was on the verge of surpasing that limit, however in the state of stubbornness that I constantly live in I felt it in the best interest to continue consuming the devil's liquor, and in doing so I fed the bitterness. When I arrived at my house (driven of course, I would not have consumed as much had I been driving) I couldn't find my keys. This reminded me of a time where I was locked out of my house when my keys were in a friends car (insta-anger by association)...so I threw a little temper tantrum and kicked the door. Why did I kick the door? Greeeeeaaaaat question. I'm gonna chop it up to random built up anger over the past week. Needless to say I found my keys, was as happy as a jaybird and completely forgot about the little tantrum and the next day I woke up on the living room floor.

Classy.

Here lately I'm making myself look to be a trashy mess. I don't think that's the actual perception, but it can't be that far off. Well, I'm not a trashy mess...I'm just spreading retardedness to the masses currently. I share this story because I think it's funny, I mean really...I have a great awesome wonderful night and in a spur of drunken anger for the silliest reason in the world I end up breaking my foot. Lesson learned, don't kick doors. I'm thinking of divorcing alcohol. I won't really go through with it because I hate paying lawyer fees, but it's tempting.

Well anyways this pain reminds me that life is too short to keep doing retarded things. Life is great and it has so much to offer. It's time to enjoy it and take advantage of those things.

So, Raaaaaawwwwwwwrrrr to you bitterness. Imagine a kitty chasing an elephant. I am kitty and I will defeat you! :P

reset and recover

When you touched him did you think of me
inside of you so tight fitting.
When you kissed him on the mouth,
were there sparks like one's I felt?
When you stroked his wavy hair
was there magic in the air?

So I wasn't expecting it to affect me this badly.

I like to stroll through life with the attitude that nothing truly bothers me. Well last weekend I guess was so out of control that it all bothers me. It's been a long time since I've felt that everything was out of my hands as badly as it was. I mean for the love of Barney I was crying on a rooftop...tragic !

I just need little bits of alone time to reset and recover. I received none then, and I hate playing catch up now.

Can't help but tear up at the thought of charming, I was smitten. Something that could have been beautiful ruined. Maybe if I too popped the pills I'd be much better off than I am now.

Biggest realization: Everyone has a fault no matter how big or how small, but not everyone knows how to make it better.

My life will always be an open book, for every question there is an answer, for every action there was a consequence, for every memory there is no regret.

We De Fu?

It's funny that I wrote this for EscapeOKC Magazine a week ago: http://www.escapeokc.com/?p=1266 Why is it so funny? Well, sadly I'm using my own advice once again.

I'd been riding the fence on a crush for a long time. I'm anti-relationship right now and have been for awhile...but this weekend I was tempted to take the plunge...well really I had convinced myself that I was just ready to get my toes wet (which is huge for me).

What had been holding me back were the red flags. They were tiny and little, but they waved in the wind calling my name. While having a grand time I couldn't help but notice them and I couldn't escape that they were there. Hence solidifying my resolve to remain uncommital.

But this weekend involved times that were beyond grand. I felt that the flags could be lowered and life could be made good. I was ready.

A job with the hand proved me wrong.

Allow me to be frank (writing is my therapy mind you). I understand that some people can't keep it in their pants. Hell, if you know me then you know that I'm very free in what I do. But I'm not one to play with multiples in the same day. It's seedy, it's deceitful, it's wrong.

I blame Tequila on the pouring of my heart. I keep that bitch locked up in the tower and refuse to let it out. But the drunken holder of the key forgot to lock the door allowing my heart to run free. And she cried with that freedom.

The figurative events to follow went like this:
Cinderella was whisked away by Prince Charming to his chamber leaving her shoes. Upon first light she returned to pick them up and make ready for the days events. She waits for her Charming to be ready as well, only he's slow...taking a time that was not suspicious at first. Charming and Cindy and crew take off for the all day ball where Cindy is swept away by his charms.

At one point Charming disappears without a word. No one can find the lost Charming and concerns flow throughout the land. Until the bird with the word begins to squawk and this is what he had to say, "Early this morning bright and cheery do I see a sight, Charming in his naked glory involved in a sword fight, with my roomie who'd been gloomy for Charming broke his heart, yet there he was in love and lust playing equal parts."

Cindy in her confused anger didn't scream or shout. She forced her heart back to the tower where she chained it to the wall. Bitter Cindy said harsh words when Charming came around. There was no use for any explaining as it was written on his face.



Talk about a bad romance. I got played by a very good player. The red flags were never going off about that, never did I have a clue that Charming could or would do such things. He was Charming...and I fell...and I got hurt.

I'm angry because you can't help who you like. I'm angry because I let my heart out for a bit. I'm angry because I shouldn't have.

I'm not ready for this hurt again. But I feel that I need it, it's a good reminder of what's left to do...which is everything. Yes I've cried tears, tears that aren't mending what's slightly broken. But life goes on and my life will only continue to get better as long as I keep making it that way.