It wasn't until I saw the squirrel running out of my open front door that I realized that I had been robbed. There he was in his brown furry glory, trailing a can of mixed nuts by a string hanging from his mouth. He looked smug. By the time I reached the end of my driveway my mouth had hit my lap causing me to accelerate almost too quickly. No, no I did not hit the garage door. And no, no I did not stop.
Fuming I kept accelerating while turning the wheel as fast as I could. The tires squealed loudly as I detoured through my yard and over the corner of my porch. I caught air. The jolt almost knocked some sense into me when the car landed, but seeing the thief skittering down the street while noisily trailing a can of mixed nuts behind him made me see red. I gunned it.
With my tires squealing I zoomed down the street chasing the culprit. The sound of the can dragging down the street was so loud it was like it was all around me. 'No squirrel was going to get the best of me' I thought as I chased violently after him. I swear I saw him look back at me and stick his tongue out.
Zigging and zagging I followed speedily. The beast was fast, so fast he left a dust trail when he cut across a neighbor's yard. I caught air as I hit the curb with a loud popping sound. I ignored everything but the squirrel, I was gaining on him.
I slammed on the breaks as the bastard stopped and ran underneath the car. I saw the can of mixed nuts bounce above my hood before being drug underneath the car and disappearing from sight. I quickly put it in reverse thinking he had made his worst decision yet.
Back over the curb I bounced. Seeing my bumper mangled in the yard infuriated me even further. "See what you did!", I screamed as I searched frantically for him. I spotted the can being drug into some bushes across the street. "Aha!", throwing it back in drive I gunned it for the bushes.
I didn't realize that the bushes hid a cozy little brick wall until it was too late. My windshield wipers were useless in removing the chunks of brick that now covered my car. But I was closer to the monster now. I could feel the strain on his little twig legs and I saw the sweat pouring from his brow.
Thinking to undo me he headed straight for a tree. Hot on the tail of the mixed nuts I followed where the tricky bugger did a circle and darted back towards the brick wall. 'That must be his home', I thought as I started gaining on him again.
Shock is the only thing I can think of to explain seeing him release the string and jump on a nearby trash can, it's the only thing that can explain why I kept going. Life went to slow motion then as I sped past the trashcan where he was perched. I caught his eyes as he flipped me off before he flew from the trashcan and right onto my face. I'm quite sure I screamed like a woman moments before his sharp claws penetrated my face. Have you ever smelled a sweating squirrel? The stench, I will tell you, is awful.
Resting softly on a giant pillow, drooling happily, in my dreams I heard the voice of a man calling to me. I was eating from my newly recovered can of mixed nuts and everything was right in the world, why was this man shouting angrily? As I slowly opened my eyes I saw the owner of the voice and a very shiny badge. Behind him, far behind yet close enough to be seen clearly, was the squirrel...munching on my nuts. I groaned before passing out once again.
No comments:
Post a Comment