touch

smiling rejection

Smile. Because you can. Because you have a face that has the ability to do so. Because you breath life. Because you are you.

So I'm a little over rejection. Not that rejection is a bad thing mind you. But because rejection comes with a negative stereotype. I'm okay that I've been rejected, it's life and it happens all the time. Everyone reaches a certain point at a certain time. But not everyone's certain times work out to be the right time for both people. Again...that's life.

But I can be over it all the same. Yes I want to be wanted by who I want. Yes that's EXTREMELY selfish. And yes I might cry about it ----> Allergies stirring up my weepy eyes!

I'm learning patience. And I haaaaaaate patience, because mainly I have none and it's hard for me to wait patiently for anything. So I'm on this crusade to be patient, accept rejection, and smile (because I mean it when I do).

Luckily I'm a happy guy. Things rarely get to me and I can go with the flow like the Pisces I am. Though I do get tired of swimming in circles sometimes, I mean I do like a change in scenery every now and then.

Current random life ifs: Stop placing myself in positions to get rejected :)
Paint the kitchen (seriously I bought the paint and supplies)
Columbus kind of terrifies me (3 weeks and counting down)

Current random life dids: Trimmed the trees in the backyard
No longer have to clear out spare bedroom for possible new roomie :(
Made my bed !

The end of the Jeep

El saga del diablo un tres: Jeepa go bye bye.

This weekend I went to Okmulgee to see my family. It was much needed, and very long overdue. First off it's amazing how close my family really truly is, they are a support system all in itself and I have to count my lucky stars that I get to call them mine. Needless to say this trip was much needed.

Anywho...Beyonce Bones, Muffin Cakes, and myself are all heading back to the City, singing songs loudly in the jeep while enjoying the solitude on the road, when out of nowhere the jeep starts acting up. I know the tell tale signs because unfortunately it's happened twice before (way back in January and February). These signs are fuel pump issues. She wheezes. She sputters. She goes. She stops. She decides to go again. She stops. She dies. And it's freaking hot outside, miserably hot. I'm not so worried about myself, it's the girls that concern me now, and of course the fact that I am the proud owner of a salvaged piece of crap jeep.

I desperately hope that she'll make it home to no avail. I end up having to have the beast towed to the shop, where like the first two sad encounters they cannot find anything wrong with the vehicle. I decided to take action into my own hands, because I couldn't bare the thought of having to rely on another individual again for a week (yes again!). I trapse off to the Mazda dealership and purchase me a brand spankin new Mazda6, the color I want and the specs that I want.

This is my first brand new car in all of my 30 years. Granted I'm no longer officially out of debt anymore, but I am in a smart planned debt. Everything that I've worked so hard for all of these many long and grueling years, all while being held under the thumb of the jeep (she was great at first) have finally payed off.

Goodbye jeep, I look forward to the day that the insurance company comes to take you away and sends me a fat check in your stead. Yes, that's right, a fat check. Somehow I am lucky enough that they will still total the damn thing out even though I accepted a salvage title on it. Mad props to Travelers for working with me and being great! :)

Thank you Jeep, you made 0% interest possible, you made my credit rating skyrocket due to all of the hard years of paying your outrageous car payment, you made my patience level rise because of your constant breaking down. I'll miss you Jeep, you've had so many memories that will be cherished forever. I look forward to the day that I'll drive your daughter, because I promise you I will. You've stolen my heart and even though I hate you right now I will always be fond of you and your kind, and I will return to you one day (okay not you really but you know what I mean).

Raaaawr ?

Happy Monday and goodbye bitter. This is my motto for today.

I had an epiphany on Sunday morning. Something about waking up on my living room floor with a slightly broken (really small fracture that hurts like hell) right foot that kind of makes you step back and say whoa. Needless to say sometimes you need a little bit of pain to help snap you back into the swing of things.

Whereas I am a fan of healthy bitter, in my case I was entering into the poisonous kind of bitter...which is so not cool. I'm too happy to let something/anything poison that and take it away. I love to smile too much to live in the unhappy state that bitterness provides. So today, being a new day and all, will be a new day :)

K, so about my foot, complete and unedited: I had a great night with dinner and watching "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" at the Civic Center...then I proceed to go out where I consumed copious amounts of Jagermeister along with various versions of cocktails. The great, and not so great, thing about me is that I know my limit. I recognized at the end that I had reached and was on the verge of surpasing that limit, however in the state of stubbornness that I constantly live in I felt it in the best interest to continue consuming the devil's liquor, and in doing so I fed the bitterness. When I arrived at my house (driven of course, I would not have consumed as much had I been driving) I couldn't find my keys. This reminded me of a time where I was locked out of my house when my keys were in a friends car (insta-anger by association)...so I threw a little temper tantrum and kicked the door. Why did I kick the door? Greeeeeaaaaat question. I'm gonna chop it up to random built up anger over the past week. Needless to say I found my keys, was as happy as a jaybird and completely forgot about the little tantrum and the next day I woke up on the living room floor.

Classy.

Here lately I'm making myself look to be a trashy mess. I don't think that's the actual perception, but it can't be that far off. Well, I'm not a trashy mess...I'm just spreading retardedness to the masses currently. I share this story because I think it's funny, I mean really...I have a great awesome wonderful night and in a spur of drunken anger for the silliest reason in the world I end up breaking my foot. Lesson learned, don't kick doors. I'm thinking of divorcing alcohol. I won't really go through with it because I hate paying lawyer fees, but it's tempting.

Well anyways this pain reminds me that life is too short to keep doing retarded things. Life is great and it has so much to offer. It's time to enjoy it and take advantage of those things.

So, Raaaaaawwwwwwwrrrr to you bitterness. Imagine a kitty chasing an elephant. I am kitty and I will defeat you! :P

reset and recover

When you touched him did you think of me
inside of you so tight fitting.
When you kissed him on the mouth,
were there sparks like one's I felt?
When you stroked his wavy hair
was there magic in the air?

So I wasn't expecting it to affect me this badly.

I like to stroll through life with the attitude that nothing truly bothers me. Well last weekend I guess was so out of control that it all bothers me. It's been a long time since I've felt that everything was out of my hands as badly as it was. I mean for the love of Barney I was crying on a rooftop...tragic !

I just need little bits of alone time to reset and recover. I received none then, and I hate playing catch up now.

Can't help but tear up at the thought of charming, I was smitten. Something that could have been beautiful ruined. Maybe if I too popped the pills I'd be much better off than I am now.

Biggest realization: Everyone has a fault no matter how big or how small, but not everyone knows how to make it better.

My life will always be an open book, for every question there is an answer, for every action there was a consequence, for every memory there is no regret.

We De Fu?

It's funny that I wrote this for EscapeOKC Magazine a week ago: http://www.escapeokc.com/?p=1266 Why is it so funny? Well, sadly I'm using my own advice once again.

I'd been riding the fence on a crush for a long time. I'm anti-relationship right now and have been for awhile...but this weekend I was tempted to take the plunge...well really I had convinced myself that I was just ready to get my toes wet (which is huge for me).

What had been holding me back were the red flags. They were tiny and little, but they waved in the wind calling my name. While having a grand time I couldn't help but notice them and I couldn't escape that they were there. Hence solidifying my resolve to remain uncommital.

But this weekend involved times that were beyond grand. I felt that the flags could be lowered and life could be made good. I was ready.

A job with the hand proved me wrong.

Allow me to be frank (writing is my therapy mind you). I understand that some people can't keep it in their pants. Hell, if you know me then you know that I'm very free in what I do. But I'm not one to play with multiples in the same day. It's seedy, it's deceitful, it's wrong.

I blame Tequila on the pouring of my heart. I keep that bitch locked up in the tower and refuse to let it out. But the drunken holder of the key forgot to lock the door allowing my heart to run free. And she cried with that freedom.

The figurative events to follow went like this:
Cinderella was whisked away by Prince Charming to his chamber leaving her shoes. Upon first light she returned to pick them up and make ready for the days events. She waits for her Charming to be ready as well, only he's slow...taking a time that was not suspicious at first. Charming and Cindy and crew take off for the all day ball where Cindy is swept away by his charms.

At one point Charming disappears without a word. No one can find the lost Charming and concerns flow throughout the land. Until the bird with the word begins to squawk and this is what he had to say, "Early this morning bright and cheery do I see a sight, Charming in his naked glory involved in a sword fight, with my roomie who'd been gloomy for Charming broke his heart, yet there he was in love and lust playing equal parts."

Cindy in her confused anger didn't scream or shout. She forced her heart back to the tower where she chained it to the wall. Bitter Cindy said harsh words when Charming came around. There was no use for any explaining as it was written on his face.



Talk about a bad romance. I got played by a very good player. The red flags were never going off about that, never did I have a clue that Charming could or would do such things. He was Charming...and I fell...and I got hurt.

I'm angry because you can't help who you like. I'm angry because I let my heart out for a bit. I'm angry because I shouldn't have.

I'm not ready for this hurt again. But I feel that I need it, it's a good reminder of what's left to do...which is everything. Yes I've cried tears, tears that aren't mending what's slightly broken. But life goes on and my life will only continue to get better as long as I keep making it that way.