raw

There's a feeling that comes over me unabated and completely unasked for. It's been knocking on my door from the first moment when my eyes opened. It's been pushing me to act in ways I never thought possible. To be the motivator, the instigator, the decision maker, and overall the dreamer that I am.
His company has become my friend. Taking him inside of me to roam throughout my body, tingling in my fingertips when I touch, whisping through my lungs when I breath, shuddering when I realize what it means... This stranger, though I've called his name many times before in my life, is new. He's strong. He's growing to the point where control is no longer an option. And he will win.
I want to cry at the thought. Of giving in to his will. Accepting what he has been pointing me towards from that first moment.
Am I ready? Has enough time passed? Should I consult, should I hide, should I run and say goodbye...? Yet...I know now, like I knew then, like I'll know in the time of forever's passing. That it's true. This named stranger with his raw power will break me for the good. And his power, how I feel it now, will flow from me into the life of another...and...forever...will be...forever.

Fulfilled

Many people do things in life to fulfill a need or a want or a desire or a dream. I've been one for longer than I can remember who does things for others, yet never for myself.

30 is the year for me. I get to be more selfish in a selfless way. How does this make sense you ask? Hopefully I can explain this in a way that makes sense. It probably won't, but...it totally makes sense in my head.

I work at a bar serving and bartending. I put myself out there in front of people in several different ways to make them happy. Whether it's someone to talk to for a bit, someone to serve them great food with a smile and silly jokes, or whether it's to place myself in less than desirable (sp?) situations to allow one person to feel a bit better than themselves. This all makes me happy.

Talking is one of my favorite things to do. I used to be so afraid of strangers and the silliness that they speak. I was scared of general conversation and delving into topics where I'm unfamiliar. But I'm learning (and always will be) that conversation is great, and everyone has a story and a past and interests and a life that is completely different from my own. Working where I do I am in the front lines of learning about people and how to converse in any given situation. Selfishly this has been the best thing for me...I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm being a better person because I can listen and add value to another person's life with the information that I have learned. I long to speak to the next person I encounter now more than I've ever had before. This makes me happy.

I'm one of those people who, when the situation calls for it, will call over the manager and report the things that I find wrong with the service that I've received. Ask any person that I've dined with... Example: Bad service. Jason gets quiet. Jason gets "the look". Jason starts biting his lip...and may even get a bit red faced. Jason speaks to the manager tactfully. I truly believe that you as a person choose where you are in life, and if you choose to work in a food serving establishment then you should do that with all the joy you can muster. You, the wait staff, are there to make my dining experience as pleasurable as it can be. It doesn't take much, a smile, a little joke or a kind word, prompt service and constant attention. These are things you are paid to do, and girl that table that you are serving is WHO is going to pay you!

Granted, I don't need the job at the bar. I'm fortunate in life that I love what I do, even though it's boring and redundant. I've never been a server, I've never trained in food service, I've never worked at a bar. But even without that experience I will be the best that I can be. I love it, I smile, and it shows. My training consists of all of the bad service that I've had in my multitude of years in dining (I love me some food). I will never be that person who will make your dining experience taxing. I want you to have a good time, I want you to be the ones smiling as well, and I want you to come back. And as an added bonus I will even tell you the things I forgot to do, because I care...and you (the diner) are the trainer...believe it or not...YOU are in charge. Don't take crappy service, life is too short to be unhappy...eating (or drinking) should be a joy and the person serving you should contribute to that joy.

Go ahead and call me a whore now, because this section will be the raciest. I will whore myself out to get you to come back to see me, the staff, and the establishment. Granted, let's clarify real quick, you aren't seeing the goods. I'm not a hooker and I never will be. Just because I work at a gay bar does not mean that you are going to get lucky or be allowed to belittle me to make yourself feel better. I'm there for you, I'm there to make you happy, but there is a line. I smile and I flirt. And I'll let you smack my ass or see my chest and even touch it, if that makes you happy. First it makes me money, second it makes me feel good. *here's the selfish part* For the first time in a very long time I get to be the pretty one, I get to be the object of desire, I get to be the one who is wanted. With that said I really don't know how to deal with it, nor will I ever. I blush and smile my shy smile and usually run away. Part coy, part seduction. I've never been the one in the spotlight and I'm addicted to it. But, mind you, I still have a job to do. I'm like a whorish food serving bartending super hero. I have lots of people to make happy and I'm only one man. (I really hope this isn't coming off as I'm full of myself...because that would be the farthest thing from the truth.) So in closing on this section, if it makes you happy then do it...but don't cross the line and don't forget that the person you are doing it to is a person as well.

You can't have selfish without the fish (Pisces). Which I am and always will be a Pisces to the core. I'm learning to live life outside of my boundaries. And I'm loving it. Sometimes you just have to let go of what you know and jump into the deep end of life...you never know what you might find out about yourself, and about others.

Watching

I can't think of this right now
so many things swimming in my head
and it hurts when I think of you

my heart seizes when my breath catches
and my limbs stop working all the same
it overcomes me all of a sudden
with the mention of your name

it's crazy how you drive me
wild with desire
when I hardly know you but I want to
it's insanity...for me to want you
as much as I do right now
right now
when all we have is right now

You're commitment is where I want to be
looking from the outside is everything I see
the treatment of you is the anger uncontrolled in me

my knees buckle as my tongue swells
when my mind races with these thoughts
overcoming all of a sudden
when I see your smiling face

Intent

This is by far not a representation of how I feel at this moment. We'll call this a treasure from the vault, a small capturing of feeling at one time in my life...one among a trove of many other such writings. Many are dark and depressing, and some are uplifting and freeing. But I hope in time to share most of them, because if anything...they are a part of me, a small part that helped me in times much darker and less happier than now, times that have defined me as a person.

Intent

The intention behind your conversation is driving me insane
so filled with hurt that I collapse at mention of your name
tearing down the walls I built after tearing them down again
I want yet fear acceptance of your misguided trust to win
I can't decide what's in your mind or who you want to be
leaving me so desperately...longing to be free

Intending to do me good by checking on my well being
while stabbing knives into my soul while I continue living
Trapsing over my defense built carefully inside
slipping softly around my shield I've nowhere left to hide
drag me down or lift me up but do it silently
I can't go on with bitter thoughts of what is done to me

Carefully I trudge along because I care for you
building up my stone cast heart so frequently misused
wishing on the falling stars with everything I do
hoping...desperately...for you to finally choose
while waiting empty handed here with nothing left to lose

Intent on being shadowed in my actions here today
whispering along the hollowed walls making towards your way
In fear and shudders do I take the solace that I'll need
you alone right next to me together we would be
yet smoke it lingers long enough to watch it fade away
the dream of being here with you is driving me insane

brick by heavy brick, cast by my own two hands
placed with such careful care, to guard this lost romance
keeping to myself at night speaking silent prayers
dreaming dreams of holding tight to having you right here

Death’s Change

My brother-in-law’s father passed away. He was a nice guy, a bit strange, and had medical problems for years. Sadly, I didn’t really know him.

It leads me to wonder how much do you really know anyone in life. You can spend countless hours with one person every day for weeks or months, but the moment you leave their side that person can and does change. The choices they make along the way affect who they are in life. Whether for the better or not is up in the air until you see them again.

Change is inevitable. Change is how you grow as a person and how you become a better individual. It’s understanding the things that make you change, and ultimately accepting those things, that help you make your transformation. How can anyone really fight change?

Life is the ultimate catalyst in forcing you to accept change as a whole. We are constantly bombarded with negative news and horrible occurrences wrought by fellow man. We encounter devastation and destruction at every turn. Death. Birth. Life. It’s all in the circle of continuation where each individual is faced with challenges to overcome.

Those challenges become who you are. Every minute of every day shapes you. Learning to embrace every minute allows you to accept the changes in yourself. With death comes life. With death comes understanding.

I’m sad for my brother-in-law, I can only imagine the struggles that he must now endure along his path. I know that this moment has changed him and I can only hope that it will change him for the better. My change comes with the knowledge that I love and support him. And should he choose me to unleash his grief, then I welcome it with open arms and an open heart.

Ultimately death changes everyone. It might have a stronger impact in the moment for those involved. But in the end life wins out. Learning to accept that change as it happens can lead to a happier life in the now.

Ultimate in Bliss

When confronted with the possibility of being truly happy, the natural mind wants to split in two.
One half welcomes the thought of happiness. She takes her molding clay and shapes out the life of said happiness, forming a tower of hope in which she can escape to and live in perfect harmony with her self created world.

The bitter half evaluates the thoughts with a fine tooth comb. Slowly cutting down any possible hope that the happiness is real nor could it ever come true. In effect he digs his bunker and refuses to leave the comfort.

The warring of the two can leave one scarred and broken. The trials of life can be so difficult, leaving one to embrace the bitter side of the mind and forever doom oneself to unhappiness. Forever trapping the molder of happy thoughts in her clay tower until she herself crumbles away forever, or until her Prince Charming rescues her with his majic hammer.

It's easy to fall in love with fairy tales. It's even easier to lose yourself in the happiness of your own fairy tale. It is not easy, however, to use both sides of your mind when it comes to facing a relationship. One can so easily become entrapped in the kingdom of their mind ignoring the reality of their surroundings. This is the hardest part of life. Should you remain in your bunker until the right person digs their way in? Or should you embrace the tower and the loss of reality in hopes that this could be it?

It is in the face of ultimate bliss that I ask these questions. Like a train I could run my course on the same track day after day. Or like the Jeep I've recently become, I could plow through rugged terrain to embrace the new and make it my own. Luckily I'm a fan of adventure. What course will you take? Can you find the happy medium as well?

not the eve of a birthday anymore

This day comes with understanding.

A friend asked yesterday, "how are you dealing with the flipping of not just one number, but two." At first I didn't understand the full meaning of the question. But as the thin veil of my Miller Lite lifted I realized that the underlying question had to do with "how am I going to handle entering a new decade?"

I've asked myself this question time and again, and by rote I responded something like this:

I am truly excited for the next 2/3 of my life. I'm at a place where I have finally come into my own. Everything that I've learned in my 20's, all the mistakes that I've made along the way, all of the excitement that I've shared with countless people, have made me who I am today. This chapter in my life is going to be the best chapter of my life. I'm happy to enter my 30's and I'm happy with who I am. I have no regrets for anything, if I regretted it then I regret who I am now. I love who I am now and I know that it's only going to get better as time progresses. I'm past the point of games. I'm past the withholding of my wisdom, I've learned a lot in my life and it is now time to share my thoughts and views and to be proud of those thoughts and views. So in answer to the question, I am truly excited to put the past decade behind me so I can be the Jason that I am meant to be.

There will be bumps in my road, there will be segments of the road that have been washed away with long treks back to make it around. But I will handle them with the conditions that I've made for myself. I will always smile and I will always be positive. That is what life is about for me. I will continue to share my positivity with others. My life is built on fun and having a great time with those that I meet along the way. As long as I continue to share, then I will continue to grow as a great person as well. This time is for me, and I get to share that time with others.

After a long self imposed break from love and relationships, after checking off the "to do's" on my lists, I finally feel myself again. And my goal is to never lose it again. I will not shy from the torch that I carry and I will carry it proudly. I will continue to bring good to the world with the honesty that is me. And that is the best gift that I could give to myself and to everyone that I meet in life.