Definitely a strange word but ultimately fitting. Where has the year gone? Where have the last 2 years gone? Why does everything seem so forced?
The past is littered with endless emails and unprinted pictures. Random postings of crazy decorate my walls, most unfinished. The guiding light that beckoned like a beacon of hope faded into dismal memory. The question lingers; "I had a light?"
It's funny how the actions we take, the answers we never give, and the illusions we create can guide us. Not the serious ha ha funny where we bust a gut. The sad kind of funny where the illusion starts to ripple from constant use and you realize that you've been stringing yourself along. The unfortunate is that in life you never just bring yourself down.
In a society that ties itself to other society members in hopes of climbing ever higher to reach the everlasting heights of the happy...if one falls....it's more than guaranteed that whoever has the shortest string is going to fall with you. Can you see it? We are all attached, whether your illusion accepts this or not...we are.
My illusion did not see. I haven't fallen...yet. But NOW I can see the strings, the tension, the shadowed, and the lost. I am the lost. I've taken for granted all that has happened in the past and even seeing the warning signs approaching I've ignored most of it. I've alienated my friends, but somehow not my family (yet how can one alienate the ones who will always love you from afar?). I've gone from being dependent to don't even bother. I'm fickle, I'm lacking.
Well that's all terribly oppressive. I can hope for a change because I know the change is needed. I can see the paths, there are always paths, to climb out of the dismal. But I fear the choices that need to be made.
The only constant, which is the story of my life, is that I've lost myself...again. And in the void that was me stands the illusion of who I am. Move too quickly and I flicker. Love too deeply and I disappear.
