I refuse

I could choose, not to move. But I refuse.

I've been a slight bit of an emotional rollercoaster since last weekend. The emotions that I normally keep quite level have been doing dips and flips with such flair that I find myself with tears behind the veil of my eyes. I want to cry to get it out but I don't know if I truly can. If only the whirlwind would come at appropriate times.

Mostly I feel that it's related to comparisons. Of how I compare my life to anothers, how we both attained the status that we both deem as successful and how we feel content to be such. I think I have a bit more pondering to do before I can truly understand the underlying cause.

In a time of up, I was heading to retrieve my car to take my coworkers to lunch. I had a really strong calling to listen to the radio as I've been growing tired of my cds. I RARELY listen to the radio so naturally nothing is set in my car. I'm breezing through trying to find a station when I come upon Air One (no clue what station it is). They were playing "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk...who happens to be one of my most favorite artists from back in the day. In fact, I will probably be able to sing their songs 20 years down the road without even hearing them in years.

Anyways - the next song that came on was new music by John Wilson "I Refuse". And I love me some new music! In hearing this song I, firstly, instantly fell in love with the sound, and secondly, felt it's touch. It's brought up a few questions in myself about God and what I believe, what is life and the afterlife and what are the goals we should attain in living. That's all beside the point, because what truly mattered is that it helped me cope. In its masterpiece of making me think, I've had to come to conclusions and accept the grief to overcome it.

I refuse to dwell on the bad things that happen. I accept them for what they are and I rejoice in the good that came of it all.



I believe that music can speak to you, and that it can change who you are.

Passing

Sometimes it takes death to wake the living.

With a recent friend's passing I find myself with a heavy heart and clogged mind. I've never viewed death as something to fear, it's a natural process in the evolution of life and all things pass in their time.

But this death was extremely unexpected. Just when great things were happening for him and the best years of his life were about to take hold and propel him into prosperity. He proved that life is just too short.

I keep grasping for a what happened. As if knowing the cause will prevent the sadness that I feel. But in the end, as I know is true, it doesn't matter because he is still gone. The only fact that does matter is that he lived, he lived well, he lived free.

Death happens every day, but this is the first time that it's hit my personal community. There have been passings before in my City. There's been passings of friends and family that I didn't know that well. There have been passings in the gay community. But never before has there been a death in the circle of people I know. Even if I didn't know him well the mark that he left upon me was strong. And with his death comes a true sadness for what's left.

I've made it through the first 1/3 of my life more unscathed than is worthy. During the course of the rest of my life I will face death in many forms and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. No one and no thing can prepare me for this; and I sadly say that I don't want to have to see it through. But to deny these things would be to deny life itself, and with my love of life shall come the acceptance of death as it runs its course.

Appreciate what's been done in life. Remember them for the lives they lived. And live like you have no tomorrow.

Every tomorrow brings a today when the sadness finally trickles away.

Tron the Stranger

I saw Tron 3D in the IMAX theater this weekend. In it's level of awesomeness, because it was awesome, I understood not a lick of what was going on. When it finished I informed my crew that I did like it, that I thought Hillary Duff did a great job, and that I didn't understand a thing about what happened for sure in the movie. I guess that's to be expected.

However, it was not Hillary Duff who played the female lead role. It was, in fact, Olivia Wilde, who looks like Hillary Duff in my opinion. This led me down the road of thinking hmmmmmmm what happened to HD? And wham, as if answered by the radio gods themselves her new single plays on Yahoo Radio. Insta-fan! I hope you are now too, I did like her years ago when she first started singing but she just kinda fell off...and now she's back and looking amazing.

This song hit me on a personal level. As a Pisces who constantly swims around the fishbowl always up always down, I realized that I had become a stranger in some ways. Now life provides a whole plethora of events and occurences and get-togethers. Life also gives you the choice to participate in a few before things change. You will never get the opportunity to do all, you will never get the opportunity to do it again. Each occurence occurs individually in a sense that if you were to recreate it exactly the same way it would still be different because the occupants will be different because of their experiences. (That's a mouthful) Life can give you second chances but the chance will be different without fail.

Enter the stranger. Where I was almost a year ago is completely different from where I am now. When I enter the memories of the past I cannot grasp the event in full because I feel like the stranger. It's not who I am anymore.

This is where most of humanity is at some point. I've changed so much in the past year that I sometimes feel I do not know who I am. Yet on the inside I know that I am me and always will be me. It is okay to be the stranger, but it's not okay to remain so. It's not healthy in the grand scheme of who you are. Embracing the stranger makes the occurences in life even stranger (good pun eh?).

As Hillary says in her song:
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Don't be scared to be who you are. Remember the past, but remember the change as well that made you the stranger that you feel. Embrace the change and you'll embrace yourself...not the stranger.

chocolate mustaches

There's one thing that I really don't understand in this world...and that is really extremely obese people.  It is an enigma to me.  I understand how people get to be obese, what I don't understand is how they can continue to let it be so.  Sedentary is the enemy.

There came a time in my life where I ballooned into a stubby little fat man.  At the biggest point of my largeness, when I realized that I had developed stretch marks, I made the vow to never be fat again.  I have never made it up to that weight again, but I have teetered on the edge of being fat.

This repulsion with obesity is good, yet it's bad.  The bad comes out in times like now, the after holidays.  It didn't help that I had a cold which sent my malaise level to malaizingly sloth-like.  I don't like when I lose focus, and I like it less when it starts to show.

I haven't made any New Year's Resolutions and I won't.  But I know that I need to commit to something here pretty soon.  Where has the determination gone?

Muffin had a bone

First off, I created a blog at wordpress.com.  I think it's there but I have to throw it out there that I created a blog there because I'm sort of unhappy with blogger.  I can't post to facebook...why I want to post there is still somewhat undecided at the moment but that the option to post there is unfortunately out of my grasp with this blog, which makes me sad.  But my sadness makes me want to move on quickly and painlessly.

So moving on, into new years and such, I say to you:  Merry Leggo My Eggos.  This year say to the man:  Leggo my eggos!  The time for repression is over.  Stand up to the man.  Your Eggos are screaming to be Leggo!  Grab your fork and liberate them!  You, sirs and madams, are the syrup to goodness.  Do not let your sweet goodness go to waste.  Leggo your Eggos!

Eat your black eyed peas.  In a world where luck does matter, may you always be graced with her presence.  Merry New Year.