Dealing with the bitter

To say that I've had a hard life would be an overstatement. To say that life is hard is an understatement. To say that I've made some ridiculous choices in my life making it difficult would be correct.

To say that I regret any of it would be a lie. I regret nothing along the path that I've chosen. I have, however, become bitter at certain choices that I've made. It's that "doh!" moment, like why did I do that, what made me say that was the best decision for me, etc... But still I regret nothing because they made me who I am.

Currently I'm anti-relationships. For me, other people can go off and hold hands and make babies and all of that other gross stuff, but not this guy. In fact, if anyone mentions the thought of a relationship or even tries to bring it up with me I vomit immensly in my mouth. So for fear of asphyxiation and for the love of God please don't even consider this option.

So there is this like feeling that I experience from time to time. I recognize it because it kind of tickles when I talk to a certain person and then I get this big goofy smile on my face. Actually if I'm being honest with myself I kind of like quite a few people. My past tendencies were to "evaluate" whether they had potential in my life, often cutting down the red flags that would warn me of potential failure, and then shack up and force it to work.

Luckily I've broken through that delusional way of thinking. Luckily my like of these people have remained that, just likes. I like that things are the way they are and I know that if it changes I won't like that anymore causing dislike of the entire situation. So we're gonna keep it in the likes category as it's wholly more interesting, more freeing, and less time consuming.

I gots things to do bud. Seriously, I have a whole lot to catch up on in the world. Back in the relationship wanting days I would become smitten and lose myself in their world. Now in the barf at the thought days I have my own world to build, and the thought of allowing anyone access to come redecorate gives me a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Oh how much better life would be if we were the sims with our little diamonds floating above our heads telling others how we feel. I think mine would be purple, meaning hey come chat but don't put your heart in it because that bitch is locked up in Fort Knox at the moment.

If I had a warning label it would read "don't feed Hulk", seriously...I love food and food is the way to my stomach which then leads to my pants...err heart. Double seriously you're only going to get yourself hurt in the long run. I have this selfish tendency to keep things about me and the problem with other people is that they want it to be about them. And they say Pisces are unselfish. After 12 years of crazy relationships and putting off self discovery it's high time that I do embrace selfishness.

If you look at me now and compare me to 5 years ago the differences would be remarkable. I was young and stupid and imagined that I had to be with someone to be happy. I am now old and stupid and imagine that I need no one to be happy. With age comes wisdom right? :) To the young folk that are currently looking for relationship poison I say this...Stop the Insanity! Take your time, grow up, become independent and get your shit together first...you'll thank me later! To the young folk who actually do have their shit together...kudos!

So I'm currently bitter. I'm very okay with that and in fact think that it's somewhat healthy. It's keeping me from embracing that ill fitting destructive behavior that I'm so used to. And it's allowed me to be free with who I am. Seriously, if you see me out I think you can tell how care free I've become...it's in my walk, my talk, and the way I interract with people. Viva la bitter yes?


The best bonus is this: This past weekend I've had the "pleasure" (barf) of seeing people who I know yet do not "like" or "approve of". In the past I would still attempt to "befriend" them and play nice because I felt that everyone deserved that. Well sirs I am no longer that way. If you add no value to my life then why should I attempt to force you into it? Deleted, drink spilled on, and flat out ignored times 5. So freeing to not feel forced into niceties...sooooo freeing.

Whirlwinds of Change

Energy. Free flowing throughout my entire body. Can you feel it when I walk in the room? My goal in life used to be to be that I just wanted to be the nice guy. But times change and people grow. I've grown. My new goal is to be the great guy who lights up the room and lifts the spirits of those that I am fortunate enough to have contact with. Viva life!

Proud. Of myself, of my community, of my friends, of my family. I'm proud to be who I am. I'm proud to be gay. To those who believe this is a choice I say this: Why would I have chosen a lifestyle wrought with difficulties, gay is not a choice, it's who I am. My choice is to be happy with this fact and never will this hinder my future potential.

Pride weekend has come and gone, and I've never seen the community in such a positive light. To the board and members of Pride I send you kudos, you've taken a difficult task and made it stunning. Thank you for everything you've sacrificed to make it what it was.

Silly side note: Don't forget to sign your taxes...this guy did. And let me just say that it takes forever for it to arrive. There is a plus side to this, I wasn't ready for it. But now I am.

I feel a whirlwind of change coming.

It took a long time

July 1st will mark a monument in my life: Financial Independence.

I've felt that 30 would be the best year of my life, and I feel that I was absolutely correct about that. I don't know who to thank for the luck that I've received, because I've been extremely lucky...

Thank you ghosts of boyfriends past. You've given me a platform from which to build who I am, you've given me support to grow, you've given me places to sit and meals to eat, you've given me hope that one day again I'll be ready to love back.

Thank you to my friends. You've provided shelter, love, and support. Listening ears and too many I told you so's, but I needed to hear them all.

Thank you hail storm. You've given me my first taste of handling issues in an adult world. To have my mom tear up at the mention of contractors brings me joy and realization that I am, in fact, an adult now. You totalled my car and paid it off, the burden that had plagued me for years was nothing in the face of your gentle wrath allowing me to reach this point today. Though you may have caused slight annoyances in my peaceful world, the overall good that you have brought me cannot be captured in mere words. Thank you.

Thank you Escapeokc...you've allowed me to push myself in ways that I never thought possible. I've been able to share my thoughts to readers who could potentially benefit from the things that I might have learned. And one day, you'll give me an outlet for even more.

Thank you life. You've given me joy on this rollercoaster with your ups and downs and loop de loops. I hope that you'll always throw out the unexpected, for with expectation I become complacent...but you keep me on my toes and for that I am truly thankful.

It took a long time to get where I am. I will never make the same mistakes again, I will make mistakes, but I will always be happy in the choices I make.

random

from your angle of persuasion
to my constant aggravation
where your face is in the way
of all the things I have to say
and your lips begin to preach
to the choir out of reach
when the listening becomes dim
it's time you turned your ticket in
turn it off and let it go
for there is nothing left to show
as your stories turn to smoke
may your voice begin to choke
and the words left in your head
hollow shabby left for dead
facing mirror look inside
from yourself you cannot hide

Jump Rope

My current song obsession for right now.

stuck up

Knocking on my door is the overwhelming sense that I've become stuck up. I feel that the air I present is "too good". I am nothing but a peon who looks both ways before crossing the street, but when I cross I carry the aura of a tank and any who approach will be blasted away.

I keep trying to convince myself that it can't be so, it's not in my nature, I will talk to anyone about anything if given the chance. But therein lies the key: If given the chance. Why don't I make chance?

I'm on the verge of acceptance when it comes to this fact. I am who I am, I've been down a long hard road to get to where I am, isn't it time for me not to worry about that? But when my time is filled with empty promises and fleeting "how ya do"'s I just can't seem to accept that it's so.

I'm a little boy who wants to be the center of attention without having to be the center of attention. Twisted.

Must learn to enjoy the joy that is my life and those who bring it to me. Life is full of roadblocks and bumps and pitfalls and potholes, learn to be aware and the driving stays smooth, look away once and the going gets rough. That is my epiphany for the week.

I long for the sword of honesty to slice away the shackles that are self imposed.

just a number

Recently I wrote an article about sex. It's racy and a bit provocative for me and my style of writing. But it felt very freeing to write about something that I've never really spoken about before. It makes me wish that I could speak freely about this and other things.

For research I listed out all of the people that I have been with in my life. The number came out to be a shocker for me. If I'd have guessed at the question I'd maybe say 20 or so, give or take a few. But the harsh reality is that it's double that plus a couple. This sent me into a spiral of a different kind of depression.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with who I am right now. I'm appreciative of all of my encounters and I think every single one has been a learning experience. Lord knows that with a number that high I hope that I'm good at what I do, but it was a sobering fact for sure. In that span I've had 3 extremely long term relationships (1 spanning 5 years +) and the other two roughly 1 1/2 years.

The problem is this, in the span of 13 years I keep messing up. I keep chosing the wrong person to accompany me in life. I try to tell myself that I'm not looking nor am I fully ready. But when I first meet someone I categorize what they can do for me. Basically, are the fuckable or dateable? This sickens me to an extent, it dehumanizes the person I'm evaluating and then if they do not meet that criteria I write them off. I don't believe this is fully healthy but I cannot seem to shake this instantaneous evaluation from what I do. It's innate. It just happens. So what to do to fix and/or change it?

My answer is teetering on the verge of be a whore or give it up. I don't think experience is a negative thing at all as long as it involves using protection and being safe. I have to say that I'm leaning towards being the whore, but not purposefully. I'm okay with sex, I'm okay with my body, and I'm okay with sharing my skills to the world. I sometimes think that I should join the rest of the gay world and join the grinder revolution or bite the core and join adam for adam...but I won't.

I don't see myself as that kind of whore if anything. I guess I'm looking for that person that is real, that has no strings and no expectations, and provides what I need for right now. Where I used to see things wrong with this statement in the past, it's funny how my tune has changed for the now. Until the day that I do find the person who is meant to skip through life by my side I will have to content myself with a number that will steadily and continuously rise.

After all, it is just a number.

swimming

swimming in a pool that's as thick as my skin
armor on the outside that won't let anyone in
safe in my hole that I've bore for myself
alone in the cesspool of my personal hell
swimming in my circles am I up or am I down
aimlessly wading all over this town
sinking in the glories of my magical life
lost in the turmoils of my self imposed stryfe
swimming tighter circles as the wall is caving in
forced to the brink where I know I can't win
bubble popping action as the day breaks through the night
when my heart is punctured slowly by a cattleman's knife