broken feelings

Are my feelings broken? I feel everything. Every decision I make is based off of a feeling, things I purchase are based on whether it feels right or not, the path I take is chosen by the feelings associated with the direction I choose. I can't help but feel that there's been a death in the feelings department.

Recently everything that I felt came tumbling down. I felt that it was right, there were no doubts or reservations and no red flags. Blindsided, I let the shock of those lost feelings wash over me.

Something that I've trusted in for so long has failed me.

Now my feelings lead me down the second third of my life alone. How do I recover? How do I trust? How do I learn to not be guarded when guarded was the one thing I never was?

This post is purely selfish mind you. I know that everything will be okay in the long run. I'm told I'm attractive enough, that I'll be with someone before I know it and everything will be okay. But what if I don't want it to be just okay?

30. I'll continue to age, to grow more wise, and to always speak what I feel is right. I'll continue to be financially secure and independent. I'll continue to be surrounded by friends, loved by many and thought of highly even when I think so little of myself. I'll continue to be judged by my past when the trial has been out for longer than most can recall. I'll continue to be intimidating.

I'm torn. Continue to trust my feelings or let them go. It's so easy to say who needs em anyways right? But it's so difficult to dismiss them entirely.

I look for no glory in what I do. I dislike praise. I live life because I like living. So simple yet so complex.

Fears: What if alone is where I end up for the rest of my life? What if I end up on the high horse that I swear I'm not on? What if I keep choosing the wrong ones? What if?

For now I live today like the day will never end, and the night will never come, for when the darkness does descend, I know I will not, can not, trust my honey coated tongue.

mad

mad is a funny word:
-disordered in mind : insane
-completely unrestrained by reason and judgment
-incapable of being explained or accounted for
-carried away by intense anger : furious
-carried away by enthusiasm or desire
-affected with rabies : rabid
-marked by wild gaiety and merriment : hilarious
-intensely excited : frantic
-marked by intense and often chaotic activity : wild

Rarely do you hear the words "I'm mad". Just plain and simple. Nothing to express what subject one is mad at, they are just plain mad. Who gets mad now a days? Everyone is angry or furious at the world, you scroll through the pages of Facebook and every poor choice made or unfortunate circumstance is followed by a FML. Fuck my life, why so angry?

I will never subscribe to the FML lifestyle. Life is too good to call forth negative karma. I won't get angry at the world. But I will get mad. I am mad right now.

I'm mad at people and their self centered ways. Everyone striving to be more and more miserable in life with their vapid choices and poor use of words. Where is social engagement? Where are the face to face discussions about life and liberty and expressions of self. Texts have killed the art of speaking. Facebook has killed the art of engaging. Emails have killed the art of negotiations.

At this time I choose to be mad.

2 months to oblivion

In the world of gotta have it now and fast food dreams I mourn the death of relational reality. If it was even reality.

Anger at words fill my soul. Buffering the void that was left in parting. Unspoken parting. To re-read the reading until the eyes burn from exertion. Incomplete thoughts of shock and awe and a deep feeling of sadness overcome. But not for me.

My journey continues on broken steps. Each one precariously set before me ready for the slightest weight to send it rolling. The uphill battle raging freely with never an end in sight, just the hill. I wear my armor proudly, taking each step with purpose for I will not fall…I refuse to fall. I refuse to fall.

Taken in with nonsense and distracted by the mirage. Leeching onto my brain with a false sense of wholeness, completeness, oneness only to dissipate in the strongest wind. Ciabola how you called my name…and I searched you out, feet bleeding as I walked up your golden steps only to cry out in pain as the haze lifted and the rubble was all that remained of your past glory. Woe to the heat of the moment in pleasures taken for granted.

Cracked, not broken. For I will not break in the face of 2 months. But two months will break before me leaving a gap where an ocean once stood. In the vast expanse of the dry empty beds scavengers search for the crack that drained the pool. A small trivial imperfection unleashing the tidal fury of unbound love whose waters were black. The resulting whirlpool tearing fresh scars into an unhealed land. The resulting emptiness leaving a land begging for thirst.

Blindsided by oblivion. Then end to something once beautiful and full. A marvel. Gone.

I continue to climb because it’s all I know. I refuse to be knocked down. I refuse to fall.

ghosts

ghosts in their haunting ethereal forms
memories so silent of what was once there before
trying to remind me of all I've forgotten
the lessons I've learned in times ill begotten
sitting there staring with glaze in their eyes
at this sad little figure with his culprits' disguise
who floats through the world with his head in the skies
never touching the ground til the day that he dies

playing the game that the scepters do play
toying with him in cold calculating ways
to do as he wills with whatever they please
hovering, watching, drawing him to his knees
beaten forgotten like those memories held dear
laying there helpless and locked up with fear
trying to remember where he placed the key
the forgotten reminder that would set him free

circles made dizzy with their ghastly dance
moaning quite softly as if lost in a trance
left longing to join in their lazy embrace
as if easier it'd be to haunt with this place
losing himself as they've lost who they were
together so seemless their company deserved
like wisping smoke as it sifts through the air
they leave one to wonder if he was even there

alone

Hurry back babe
I can't stand the pain
of being alone
while you are away
I can't help but think
you'll never return
until you do
your smile like the sun
but darkness fills in
when you step out of the room
and into my heart
seems darkness and doom

while thinking of you
in times that are good
with comfort to spare
fills me inside
and makes me complete
until the times
when you walk away

walking alone
in circles worn thin
the sadness surrounds
and fills me within
the doom that I feel
breaks down my walls
the tower I build
comes crumbling down
fleeting thoughts
that's all they are
I can't help but think
the gloom is real

while thinking of you
in times that are good
with comfort to spare
fills me inside
and makes me complete
until the times
when you walk away

lone....some....in...my...mind
when...you...take...your...time
sharing with someone else
alone in this personal hell