broken feelings

Are my feelings broken? I feel everything. Every decision I make is based off of a feeling, things I purchase are based on whether it feels right or not, the path I take is chosen by the feelings associated with the direction I choose. I can't help but feel that there's been a death in the feelings department.

Recently everything that I felt came tumbling down. I felt that it was right, there were no doubts or reservations and no red flags. Blindsided, I let the shock of those lost feelings wash over me.

Something that I've trusted in for so long has failed me.

Now my feelings lead me down the second third of my life alone. How do I recover? How do I trust? How do I learn to not be guarded when guarded was the one thing I never was?

This post is purely selfish mind you. I know that everything will be okay in the long run. I'm told I'm attractive enough, that I'll be with someone before I know it and everything will be okay. But what if I don't want it to be just okay?

30. I'll continue to age, to grow more wise, and to always speak what I feel is right. I'll continue to be financially secure and independent. I'll continue to be surrounded by friends, loved by many and thought of highly even when I think so little of myself. I'll continue to be judged by my past when the trial has been out for longer than most can recall. I'll continue to be intimidating.

I'm torn. Continue to trust my feelings or let them go. It's so easy to say who needs em anyways right? But it's so difficult to dismiss them entirely.

I look for no glory in what I do. I dislike praise. I live life because I like living. So simple yet so complex.

Fears: What if alone is where I end up for the rest of my life? What if I end up on the high horse that I swear I'm not on? What if I keep choosing the wrong ones? What if?

For now I live today like the day will never end, and the night will never come, for when the darkness does descend, I know I will not, can not, trust my honey coated tongue.