Recently I wrote an article about sex. It's racy and a bit provocative for me and my style of writing. But it felt very freeing to write about something that I've never really spoken about before. It makes me wish that I could speak freely about this and other things.
For research I listed out all of the people that I have been with in my life. The number came out to be a shocker for me. If I'd have guessed at the question I'd maybe say 20 or so, give or take a few. But the harsh reality is that it's double that plus a couple. This sent me into a spiral of a different kind of depression.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with who I am right now. I'm appreciative of all of my encounters and I think every single one has been a learning experience. Lord knows that with a number that high I hope that I'm good at what I do, but it was a sobering fact for sure. In that span I've had 3 extremely long term relationships (1 spanning 5 years +) and the other two roughly 1 1/2 years.
The problem is this, in the span of 13 years I keep messing up. I keep chosing the wrong person to accompany me in life. I try to tell myself that I'm not looking nor am I fully ready. But when I first meet someone I categorize what they can do for me. Basically, are the fuckable or dateable? This sickens me to an extent, it dehumanizes the person I'm evaluating and then if they do not meet that criteria I write them off. I don't believe this is fully healthy but I cannot seem to shake this instantaneous evaluation from what I do. It's innate. It just happens. So what to do to fix and/or change it?
My answer is teetering on the verge of be a whore or give it up. I don't think experience is a negative thing at all as long as it involves using protection and being safe. I have to say that I'm leaning towards being the whore, but not purposefully. I'm okay with sex, I'm okay with my body, and I'm okay with sharing my skills to the world. I sometimes think that I should join the rest of the gay world and join the grinder revolution or bite the core and join adam for adam...but I won't.
I don't see myself as that kind of whore if anything. I guess I'm looking for that person that is real, that has no strings and no expectations, and provides what I need for right now. Where I used to see things wrong with this statement in the past, it's funny how my tune has changed for the now. Until the day that I do find the person who is meant to skip through life by my side I will have to content myself with a number that will steadily and continuously rise.
After all, it is just a number.
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