I refuse

I could choose, not to move. But I refuse.

I've been a slight bit of an emotional rollercoaster since last weekend. The emotions that I normally keep quite level have been doing dips and flips with such flair that I find myself with tears behind the veil of my eyes. I want to cry to get it out but I don't know if I truly can. If only the whirlwind would come at appropriate times.

Mostly I feel that it's related to comparisons. Of how I compare my life to anothers, how we both attained the status that we both deem as successful and how we feel content to be such. I think I have a bit more pondering to do before I can truly understand the underlying cause.

In a time of up, I was heading to retrieve my car to take my coworkers to lunch. I had a really strong calling to listen to the radio as I've been growing tired of my cds. I RARELY listen to the radio so naturally nothing is set in my car. I'm breezing through trying to find a station when I come upon Air One (no clue what station it is). They were playing "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk...who happens to be one of my most favorite artists from back in the day. In fact, I will probably be able to sing their songs 20 years down the road without even hearing them in years.

Anyways - the next song that came on was new music by John Wilson "I Refuse". And I love me some new music! In hearing this song I, firstly, instantly fell in love with the sound, and secondly, felt it's touch. It's brought up a few questions in myself about God and what I believe, what is life and the afterlife and what are the goals we should attain in living. That's all beside the point, because what truly mattered is that it helped me cope. In its masterpiece of making me think, I've had to come to conclusions and accept the grief to overcome it.

I refuse to dwell on the bad things that happen. I accept them for what they are and I rejoice in the good that came of it all.



I believe that music can speak to you, and that it can change who you are.