the murky waters

I have fat fingers that sometimes like to push more than one button at a time. I get hasty, I feel that I should rush through whatever I'm doing for fear of losing the thoughts that I've constructed in my brain. But I mess up, I make mistakes, and I try to correct them. But my brain continues on the path causing my fingers to mash out response after uncomprehending response until I'm forced to halt completely until my fingers have caught up, but by then the brain has forgotten what it was saying.

Apply this to life. I remember things well, however it takes a few for the memory to dredge itself up from the caverns of my giant head. This works well for listening as I like to believe I'm one of the best listeners you will find and I can provide good advice without taking sides (drama free advice), however it works poorly if you ask what where we just talking about. My brain is like a churning pool, always twisting in the mire, whose waves are heavy with knowledge, but like the river slowly moving.

And thus I go through life. Never one to fully remember the saying that made the trip grand, never able to repeat the exact phrase that made me snort milk, nor able to recall the conversation where I gave the best advice of my life. I remember the feeling more than the words that accompanied it, I remember the responses of emotions that followed the utterances. I remember but I don't.

For this I seem aloof. Always a part of the conversation yet somewhat away at the same time. I contribute if I have something to say, but when it topics on something that I'm not familiar or find terribly boring I smile and absorb it, I file it away for later use if ever the use should arise, and I await the moment that my voice finds comfort to speak again.

It's worse when the group is large. I love groups, I love to gather as many friends around as possible, yet I am quiet in those settings. Not that I don't have anything to say, I panic in the face of attention. I'm always more of me in a situation where it's one on one, or two...or maybe even three. But put more than that and watch me observe...it is my 'fault', and I am working on it, and given time can overcome.