you're all the time believing the very best in all but the devil was an angel, til he took a little fall.

In evaluating my current position in life, because it always changes and always will, I've decided that I'm happy but not happy with where I am. I was looking through some older pictures at about this time, trying to discover where I was back then. The first thing that struck me was that I had buzzed my hair like I've done now. Besides the fact that the receding hairline has claimed more real estate I looked exactly the same. But is everything the same?

When looking at the past I've learned that you cannot dwell on the past. The past is who you were at that given time, the events of life that have occured since then have changed you to who you are now, yet if you dwell on the past then you will be lost longing for what you were, in turn denying who you are now. It's not a pretty spiral to slide down. Be happy with you.

In this evaluation I liked who I was. This was pre-house and pre-Beyonce and back in the days of the evil Jeep with her many problems. Besides the obvious differences there was one thing that I was doing without fail, one thing that I've neglected in the past 6 months that has left a hole that is slowly growing bigger. I've divorced the gym...

Never have I been a gym bunny or a muscle head. I'm a little guy and will probably always be a little guy. I can accept that. But lately I've let myself go. I find the ease and comfort of being home much more welcome than the sweat and judginess of others at the gym. Before it was go go go never go home let's go work out let's do this let's do that let's drive around let's go go go. Now it's a gentle whisper in the back of my head filled with sorrow, a small small small voice saying "hey you, let's go work for it, you deserve it." But the oatmeal cream pie in the cabinets scream louder.

I've let myself go. And I don't like it.

On the plus side, my Pisces brain has convinced me that giving up soda will somehow correct the problem. That giving up the 4 bottles a day of Mountain Dew will shed the handles of love that have taken up residence and trim me back down to little guy stature. The reality is that yes, it will help, but no, it won't do it all.

With the fog of headaches from the withdrawal finally behind me I believe that I can make it happen. One small step at a time to living healthy again. I like to imagine that when I do start again the results will be insane. I also like to imagine that I live in a castle and have a silver tiara. Pipe dreams. Just remember that all pipes lead to open water where the fish truly do swim free.