dissipator

On feelings where I base most of my actions I am defined by tons. I recently changed my relationship status, and the feedback has been great, the spreading of the tale has been well received and well wishes harmoniously intertwine with good luck. I am happy.

A dear friend ditched me. With plans made to movie watch and food explore were swept under the rug to be forgotten. The recent news crushed the event. I responded with "oh...". What did it mean? As the heaviness of the feeling that I cannot escape is that there was more, so much more attached to the friendship than what I allowed myself to see, than what I allowed myself to recognize.

I ponder longer and longer whether the case is lone. Whether the feeling that I base all upon has been tainted, or blinded, or if it has gone lazy like me. Or has it been lazy all along? Do I do this to myself? Do I lead those along to my whim in hopes that they'll be there when I call? Even without intentions was intention there?

I'm met with dismay and sadness on a happy day. I've been thrust upon a field of change that was a slight repercussion of the change that I've created. Yet I feel that this will not be the only recourse, this will not be the only crack in the foundation of what I thought was real. With my glowing happiness doth I create sparks that cause bridges to burn. But one can believe that entering into a union does the bridge disappear.

I am me. I have not changed the me that I am, nor will I ever to fit in. I like, no...I love, who I am. I've built my life around me, I've filled it with great people who allow me to shine and who shine with the allowance that I can provide. That does not change because of a relationship, nor will it ever. He is he and I am me and together a we shall we be, yet always a he and always a me for if we were we then never a he or me.

I will be the dissipator who disperses the dark clouds on the horizon.