Realizations of a Man

When I was a child I never dreamed of becoming an adult. I held this vision of my father as the epitome of what an adult should be, and I never wanted to become what that vision held. So many rules and stipulations came with such a title that I knew then I never wanted to achieve this personification.

As I changed so did my views. Like a clay of mold I began fashioning my thoughts of what an adult should be. I took the roles of actors on tv and in movies, I stole the illusions of strangers and neighbors, and I borrowed the stereotypes from books and stories. I created this crazy perfect image of what an adult should be, how he looks and acts, how he feels and responds, and I realized that this was something that I could never be. I made Ken and realized that Ken was just a doll.

Lost and jaded with silly impossible views I continue'd to deem myself a kid. But being a kid comes with stereotypes and roles to fill as well. And the farther along on that track that I ran I realized I was fitting in less and less. So what is one who is not a kid yet not an adult? Where did I fit in?

Finally realization hit me. I, am, an adult. There was no visible transformation. No bells or whistles or songs or praise when it happened. Somewhere along my obsessing over who I was it just happened. I woke up and I was the vision of an adult through and through. Not the perfect representation that I had always thought I would become. I still claim flaws and shortcomings and I accept that I will always have them. But it came in that acceptance...the acceptance of who I am.

One could say that I'm an adult because I am 30. Another could say because I own my own home. Younger folk could say it's because I have my own car or dog or Wii or TV. So many different reasons to list it's no wonder I walked dazed and confused for so long.

I smile today because I realize that I am a man. I don't know when it fully happened or how it happened. But I know that my road was long and wrought with many battles. I had to change me, the way I thought and reacted and responded. I had to accept my shortcomings and the shortcomings in others. I had to accept the good in me and the great in others. I had to take life a day at a time. I had to smile through the twists and turns. I had to or I'd never be able to see myself as anything more than a kid.

With this new realization comes a sense of empowerment. I am no longer...just a kid.