on the feeling

I base a lot of what I do on feelings. If it feels wrong then I don't do it, if it feels great then I go for it. I've learned to trust this feeling over years of ignorance and misunderstanding...and it's worked out pretty well.

Now I'm based with this overwhelming feeling of...I don't know. In the past couple of months I've been working towards a goal: 30, home ownership, moving, getting fit, investing in a meaningful relationship, and on and on. I'm one of the people who have reached each of the goals set forth but now I'm tapped. I have this broad new scary world where I feel completely goal-less. It feels wrong. The I don't know is terrifying to me.

Randomly I would love to base this on my 3rd week of being sick. My former goals and my desire to fill my time to the brim have ultimately caused an unraveling in my health. I know how to fix it yet I have no desire to do so. Is it the cause of the goal-less, or stubborn, or as the name of the blog predicts - laziness. I can't put a name to it but I know that the beast must be quelled for my mind to clear.

I know that I am blissfully happy at the moment. I know that I'll be blissfully happy for the remainder of my life, no matter fleeting or filled with longevity. But there is something missing and it's beyond time to find it and put right my troubled mind.

New goals loosely based on the ravings of the once insane:
Bathe...in a tub...with solitude and candles and bubbles...yes with bubbles...and soft soothing music to set the soul at ease.
Visit family...whose insight into past and present can calm with knowledge knowing that nothing need be said when you feel at home with those around.
Read a book away from the norm like in the days of old where the world was an oyster and you were but a pearl.
Camp...with nature...basking in the spirits of the earth...
Draw...the finer lines of life will come with clarity of your art.
Paint with colors...brightly lighting the rooms.

These things I have to do but with completion brings back the brink of I don't know.