mad

mad is a funny word:
-disordered in mind : insane
-completely unrestrained by reason and judgment
-incapable of being explained or accounted for
-carried away by intense anger : furious
-carried away by enthusiasm or desire
-affected with rabies : rabid
-marked by wild gaiety and merriment : hilarious
-intensely excited : frantic
-marked by intense and often chaotic activity : wild

Rarely do you hear the words "I'm mad". Just plain and simple. Nothing to express what subject one is mad at, they are just plain mad. Who gets mad now a days? Everyone is angry or furious at the world, you scroll through the pages of Facebook and every poor choice made or unfortunate circumstance is followed by a FML. Fuck my life, why so angry?

I will never subscribe to the FML lifestyle. Life is too good to call forth negative karma. I won't get angry at the world. But I will get mad. I am mad right now.

I'm mad at people and their self centered ways. Everyone striving to be more and more miserable in life with their vapid choices and poor use of words. Where is social engagement? Where are the face to face discussions about life and liberty and expressions of self. Texts have killed the art of speaking. Facebook has killed the art of engaging. Emails have killed the art of negotiations.

At this time I choose to be mad.

2 months to oblivion

In the world of gotta have it now and fast food dreams I mourn the death of relational reality. If it was even reality.

Anger at words fill my soul. Buffering the void that was left in parting. Unspoken parting. To re-read the reading until the eyes burn from exertion. Incomplete thoughts of shock and awe and a deep feeling of sadness overcome. But not for me.

My journey continues on broken steps. Each one precariously set before me ready for the slightest weight to send it rolling. The uphill battle raging freely with never an end in sight, just the hill. I wear my armor proudly, taking each step with purpose for I will not fall…I refuse to fall. I refuse to fall.

Taken in with nonsense and distracted by the mirage. Leeching onto my brain with a false sense of wholeness, completeness, oneness only to dissipate in the strongest wind. Ciabola how you called my name…and I searched you out, feet bleeding as I walked up your golden steps only to cry out in pain as the haze lifted and the rubble was all that remained of your past glory. Woe to the heat of the moment in pleasures taken for granted.

Cracked, not broken. For I will not break in the face of 2 months. But two months will break before me leaving a gap where an ocean once stood. In the vast expanse of the dry empty beds scavengers search for the crack that drained the pool. A small trivial imperfection unleashing the tidal fury of unbound love whose waters were black. The resulting whirlpool tearing fresh scars into an unhealed land. The resulting emptiness leaving a land begging for thirst.

Blindsided by oblivion. Then end to something once beautiful and full. A marvel. Gone.

I continue to climb because it’s all I know. I refuse to be knocked down. I refuse to fall.

ghosts

ghosts in their haunting ethereal forms
memories so silent of what was once there before
trying to remind me of all I've forgotten
the lessons I've learned in times ill begotten
sitting there staring with glaze in their eyes
at this sad little figure with his culprits' disguise
who floats through the world with his head in the skies
never touching the ground til the day that he dies

playing the game that the scepters do play
toying with him in cold calculating ways
to do as he wills with whatever they please
hovering, watching, drawing him to his knees
beaten forgotten like those memories held dear
laying there helpless and locked up with fear
trying to remember where he placed the key
the forgotten reminder that would set him free

circles made dizzy with their ghastly dance
moaning quite softly as if lost in a trance
left longing to join in their lazy embrace
as if easier it'd be to haunt with this place
losing himself as they've lost who they were
together so seemless their company deserved
like wisping smoke as it sifts through the air
they leave one to wonder if he was even there

alone

Hurry back babe
I can't stand the pain
of being alone
while you are away
I can't help but think
you'll never return
until you do
your smile like the sun
but darkness fills in
when you step out of the room
and into my heart
seems darkness and doom

while thinking of you
in times that are good
with comfort to spare
fills me inside
and makes me complete
until the times
when you walk away

walking alone
in circles worn thin
the sadness surrounds
and fills me within
the doom that I feel
breaks down my walls
the tower I build
comes crumbling down
fleeting thoughts
that's all they are
I can't help but think
the gloom is real

while thinking of you
in times that are good
with comfort to spare
fills me inside
and makes me complete
until the times
when you walk away

lone....some....in...my...mind
when...you...take...your...time
sharing with someone else
alone in this personal hell

random

in translation words are lost
when they're spoken pictures painted
only fading into mist
foggy as the memory may be
how clearly one can find me
sitting where I sat where I sit
alone and slightly cracked
like a whore with legs spread open
waiting longing to take you in
verbage means so little
in the passage from your lips
why does one opt for trouble
sealing lies with a kiss
singing like a dove
in the heat of the day
with a chip gently shouldered
where every one is going to pay
the price.

a sonnet ? :)

smiling
dazzling
glimmering in your light
shining sunshine in your eyes
radiant as a prism
awe inspiring
humbling

on the feeling

I base a lot of what I do on feelings. If it feels wrong then I don't do it, if it feels great then I go for it. I've learned to trust this feeling over years of ignorance and misunderstanding...and it's worked out pretty well.

Now I'm based with this overwhelming feeling of...I don't know. In the past couple of months I've been working towards a goal: 30, home ownership, moving, getting fit, investing in a meaningful relationship, and on and on. I'm one of the people who have reached each of the goals set forth but now I'm tapped. I have this broad new scary world where I feel completely goal-less. It feels wrong. The I don't know is terrifying to me.

Randomly I would love to base this on my 3rd week of being sick. My former goals and my desire to fill my time to the brim have ultimately caused an unraveling in my health. I know how to fix it yet I have no desire to do so. Is it the cause of the goal-less, or stubborn, or as the name of the blog predicts - laziness. I can't put a name to it but I know that the beast must be quelled for my mind to clear.

I know that I am blissfully happy at the moment. I know that I'll be blissfully happy for the remainder of my life, no matter fleeting or filled with longevity. But there is something missing and it's beyond time to find it and put right my troubled mind.

New goals loosely based on the ravings of the once insane:
Bathe...in a tub...with solitude and candles and bubbles...yes with bubbles...and soft soothing music to set the soul at ease.
Visit family...whose insight into past and present can calm with knowledge knowing that nothing need be said when you feel at home with those around.
Read a book away from the norm like in the days of old where the world was an oyster and you were but a pearl.
Camp...with nature...basking in the spirits of the earth...
Draw...the finer lines of life will come with clarity of your art.
Paint with colors...brightly lighting the rooms.

These things I have to do but with completion brings back the brink of I don't know.

Realizations of a Man

When I was a child I never dreamed of becoming an adult. I held this vision of my father as the epitome of what an adult should be, and I never wanted to become what that vision held. So many rules and stipulations came with such a title that I knew then I never wanted to achieve this personification.

As I changed so did my views. Like a clay of mold I began fashioning my thoughts of what an adult should be. I took the roles of actors on tv and in movies, I stole the illusions of strangers and neighbors, and I borrowed the stereotypes from books and stories. I created this crazy perfect image of what an adult should be, how he looks and acts, how he feels and responds, and I realized that this was something that I could never be. I made Ken and realized that Ken was just a doll.

Lost and jaded with silly impossible views I continue'd to deem myself a kid. But being a kid comes with stereotypes and roles to fill as well. And the farther along on that track that I ran I realized I was fitting in less and less. So what is one who is not a kid yet not an adult? Where did I fit in?

Finally realization hit me. I, am, an adult. There was no visible transformation. No bells or whistles or songs or praise when it happened. Somewhere along my obsessing over who I was it just happened. I woke up and I was the vision of an adult through and through. Not the perfect representation that I had always thought I would become. I still claim flaws and shortcomings and I accept that I will always have them. But it came in that acceptance...the acceptance of who I am.

One could say that I'm an adult because I am 30. Another could say because I own my own home. Younger folk could say it's because I have my own car or dog or Wii or TV. So many different reasons to list it's no wonder I walked dazed and confused for so long.

I smile today because I realize that I am a man. I don't know when it fully happened or how it happened. But I know that my road was long and wrought with many battles. I had to change me, the way I thought and reacted and responded. I had to accept my shortcomings and the shortcomings in others. I had to accept the good in me and the great in others. I had to take life a day at a time. I had to smile through the twists and turns. I had to or I'd never be able to see myself as anything more than a kid.

With this new realization comes a sense of empowerment. I am no longer...just a kid.

where's my receipt

Totally random :)

Bought on the corner at the 5 and dime, from wrinkled dollars to a simple smile, where happy memories will always shed light and the passings of past will haunt me at night, in a dreamer's longboat with glittering oars whose passing leaves wakes that turn into storms that soak to the bone and chill to the core as Death say's "Hello can you take anymore?"
Skipping to home with a humming strut while vainly reminding to suck in the gut while ponder over yonder with a fancy doo da, is it me who left that mark with a claw? Keeping time to the rhythm of a dancer's feet, soft whispers with shuffles announcing their leaps as they soar through the air with a gazelle's grace til they touch down again and fall right to their face, gasping and crying they reach for their eyes where inside their head they find their surprise for they lost them when falling down onto their knees and the objects were safely carried off by the bees who know not what they have in their insectlike grasp but they know it's a treasure that now they posess and you think to yourself "oh why did I leave" and after thoughts that still linger "hey where's my receipt?"

Just be yourself

Everyone changes constantly throughout life. This constant evolution is what makes you who you are. You can change it for the better, or for the worse. But I hope, as well as the world hopes, that you choose it for the better.

I find in life that people are always trying to fit a mold. They want to fit in so badly in a niche or circle when they might be a triangle or a square and it just doesn't work. My advice to them is contained in the title...be yourself. We are conditioned to aspire to be Barbie or Ken. But the only one's who can be Barbie and Ken are in fact Barbie and Ken. It's that simple.

Take stock of who you are, what are your passions and your dreams, what makes you tick and what stops your heart. That is who you are. Don't let the status quo beat you down when you act yourself. Your uniqueness is what makes you an individual. And those that do beat you down are the sheep. Granted, some can be wolves and yes wolves travel in packs...but do you really want to be that mean? Sheep let the wolves attack, sheep let the wolves tear them down and beat on them and in effect make them sheep. But what if the wolves are sheep too. Each one doing what the other does to fit in and to maintain their status. Sheep.

Have you ever seen a purple haired wolf? Maybe a bleach blonde one yes...

Point taken right? You, allow me to capitalize that, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL just the way you are. Do not feel that you have to be anything more, anything less, anything but who you are. You don't have to one up to fit in. You don't have to shy away when conversation turns into dark waters. Speak your mind and be yourself. Odds are that if you are with sheep they will turn away yes...but there are other you's out there who will appreciate the you that you are. Lastly, the only way a wolf can get you is if you make yourself a victim...being you is a threat to their existence, and yes they will attack, but if you are YOU and you are strong in YOU then you've already won.

Just be yourself, who knows...it might catch on.