I refuse

I could choose, not to move. But I refuse.

I've been a slight bit of an emotional rollercoaster since last weekend. The emotions that I normally keep quite level have been doing dips and flips with such flair that I find myself with tears behind the veil of my eyes. I want to cry to get it out but I don't know if I truly can. If only the whirlwind would come at appropriate times.

Mostly I feel that it's related to comparisons. Of how I compare my life to anothers, how we both attained the status that we both deem as successful and how we feel content to be such. I think I have a bit more pondering to do before I can truly understand the underlying cause.

In a time of up, I was heading to retrieve my car to take my coworkers to lunch. I had a really strong calling to listen to the radio as I've been growing tired of my cds. I RARELY listen to the radio so naturally nothing is set in my car. I'm breezing through trying to find a station when I come upon Air One (no clue what station it is). They were playing "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk...who happens to be one of my most favorite artists from back in the day. In fact, I will probably be able to sing their songs 20 years down the road without even hearing them in years.

Anyways - the next song that came on was new music by John Wilson "I Refuse". And I love me some new music! In hearing this song I, firstly, instantly fell in love with the sound, and secondly, felt it's touch. It's brought up a few questions in myself about God and what I believe, what is life and the afterlife and what are the goals we should attain in living. That's all beside the point, because what truly mattered is that it helped me cope. In its masterpiece of making me think, I've had to come to conclusions and accept the grief to overcome it.

I refuse to dwell on the bad things that happen. I accept them for what they are and I rejoice in the good that came of it all.



I believe that music can speak to you, and that it can change who you are.

Passing

Sometimes it takes death to wake the living.

With a recent friend's passing I find myself with a heavy heart and clogged mind. I've never viewed death as something to fear, it's a natural process in the evolution of life and all things pass in their time.

But this death was extremely unexpected. Just when great things were happening for him and the best years of his life were about to take hold and propel him into prosperity. He proved that life is just too short.

I keep grasping for a what happened. As if knowing the cause will prevent the sadness that I feel. But in the end, as I know is true, it doesn't matter because he is still gone. The only fact that does matter is that he lived, he lived well, he lived free.

Death happens every day, but this is the first time that it's hit my personal community. There have been passings before in my City. There's been passings of friends and family that I didn't know that well. There have been passings in the gay community. But never before has there been a death in the circle of people I know. Even if I didn't know him well the mark that he left upon me was strong. And with his death comes a true sadness for what's left.

I've made it through the first 1/3 of my life more unscathed than is worthy. During the course of the rest of my life I will face death in many forms and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. No one and no thing can prepare me for this; and I sadly say that I don't want to have to see it through. But to deny these things would be to deny life itself, and with my love of life shall come the acceptance of death as it runs its course.

Appreciate what's been done in life. Remember them for the lives they lived. And live like you have no tomorrow.

Every tomorrow brings a today when the sadness finally trickles away.

Tron the Stranger

I saw Tron 3D in the IMAX theater this weekend. In it's level of awesomeness, because it was awesome, I understood not a lick of what was going on. When it finished I informed my crew that I did like it, that I thought Hillary Duff did a great job, and that I didn't understand a thing about what happened for sure in the movie. I guess that's to be expected.

However, it was not Hillary Duff who played the female lead role. It was, in fact, Olivia Wilde, who looks like Hillary Duff in my opinion. This led me down the road of thinking hmmmmmmm what happened to HD? And wham, as if answered by the radio gods themselves her new single plays on Yahoo Radio. Insta-fan! I hope you are now too, I did like her years ago when she first started singing but she just kinda fell off...and now she's back and looking amazing.

This song hit me on a personal level. As a Pisces who constantly swims around the fishbowl always up always down, I realized that I had become a stranger in some ways. Now life provides a whole plethora of events and occurences and get-togethers. Life also gives you the choice to participate in a few before things change. You will never get the opportunity to do all, you will never get the opportunity to do it again. Each occurence occurs individually in a sense that if you were to recreate it exactly the same way it would still be different because the occupants will be different because of their experiences. (That's a mouthful) Life can give you second chances but the chance will be different without fail.

Enter the stranger. Where I was almost a year ago is completely different from where I am now. When I enter the memories of the past I cannot grasp the event in full because I feel like the stranger. It's not who I am anymore.

This is where most of humanity is at some point. I've changed so much in the past year that I sometimes feel I do not know who I am. Yet on the inside I know that I am me and always will be me. It is okay to be the stranger, but it's not okay to remain so. It's not healthy in the grand scheme of who you are. Embracing the stranger makes the occurences in life even stranger (good pun eh?).

As Hillary says in her song:
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Don't be scared to be who you are. Remember the past, but remember the change as well that made you the stranger that you feel. Embrace the change and you'll embrace yourself...not the stranger.

chocolate mustaches

There's one thing that I really don't understand in this world...and that is really extremely obese people.  It is an enigma to me.  I understand how people get to be obese, what I don't understand is how they can continue to let it be so.  Sedentary is the enemy.

There came a time in my life where I ballooned into a stubby little fat man.  At the biggest point of my largeness, when I realized that I had developed stretch marks, I made the vow to never be fat again.  I have never made it up to that weight again, but I have teetered on the edge of being fat.

This repulsion with obesity is good, yet it's bad.  The bad comes out in times like now, the after holidays.  It didn't help that I had a cold which sent my malaise level to malaizingly sloth-like.  I don't like when I lose focus, and I like it less when it starts to show.

I haven't made any New Year's Resolutions and I won't.  But I know that I need to commit to something here pretty soon.  Where has the determination gone?

Muffin had a bone

First off, I created a blog at wordpress.com.  I think it's there but I have to throw it out there that I created a blog there because I'm sort of unhappy with blogger.  I can't post to facebook...why I want to post there is still somewhat undecided at the moment but that the option to post there is unfortunately out of my grasp with this blog, which makes me sad.  But my sadness makes me want to move on quickly and painlessly.

So moving on, into new years and such, I say to you:  Merry Leggo My Eggos.  This year say to the man:  Leggo my eggos!  The time for repression is over.  Stand up to the man.  Your Eggos are screaming to be Leggo!  Grab your fork and liberate them!  You, sirs and madams, are the syrup to goodness.  Do not let your sweet goodness go to waste.  Leggo your Eggos!

Eat your black eyed peas.  In a world where luck does matter, may you always be graced with her presence.  Merry New Year.

Pink Lights and Shiny Things

In picking out Christmas lights this year my lovable local walmart had the dismal selection of clear, multi, amber, or pink.

Now don't let me fool you, I got really excited when I saw the pink lights. I thought, what better way to show my true colors than to put pink lights on my house, especially when no one else on my 1 block street has decided to put up house lights at all.

The selection, however, disappoints me. It seems that walmart, the providers of everything you could ever need and more, is slimming down their selection to take away the choice. What happened to green lights, or blue, or red? Do these colors not matter in their world anymore? And who really puts up amber lights for Christmas? Amber is a pretty color but I don't think I'd be sporting it to say hey Christmas is here or anything silly like that.

I guess if you get down to it then pink really isn't a Christmas color either. But why should I let walmart decide this for me? Awhile back I had to buy paperclips, I could have waited and borrowed a couple from work but I was in the store and figured might as well get them now. After first locating the stationary section it took what seemed like years to locate the paper clips. One would assume they would have neat little boxes of 50 or 100 paper clips ready to go...but one would be wrong with that assumption. If you want paper clips now a days you have to purchase the paper clip holder that comes with 10...yes 10 whole paper clips. Outraged was I.

I bought them and the ridiculous purchase is sitting unused on my desk at home.

The problem with letting people dictate what you can purchase is that the things you will be able to purchase later will be completely unnecessary later. We're addicted to shiny things and we want them now.

If I was smart I would have gone to an office supply store to pay several bucks less on paper clips. If I was thrifty I would have borrowed some from work. But since I'm lazy I paid and grumbled and now have a useless purchase. But hey...yay for pink lights :)

whip my hair

Jay-Z ft. Willow Smith - Whip My Hair (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by ChaOko_01. - Explore more music videos.

I find when whipping my hair back and forth I often come down with a serious neck ache that leaves me prostrate in bed for up to two weeks. The only positive for this wild and reckless behavior is the drugs for the pain. Needless to say the moment I was blacklisted for morphine I no longer practice the action of whipping my hair back and forth. Note: A piss poor side effect of morphine is hair loss, where in the instance of this video where she is whipping paint back and forth I would be the one showering everyone with loose hair. Note part two: As one ages our equilibrium's deteriorate causing bruises and worse when whipping hair back and forth. Note part three: Please use caution when whipping hair back and forth. Note part four: The creator of this blog is only responsible for the distribution of the want to whip one's hair back and forth, however he is not responsible for the injuries sustained from whipping one's hair back and forth. That is all.

Story Time Thursday - poemista

Story Time Thursday : ) poem edition.

On gentle night doth story tell

of grandeur told

heroics fell

loves betrayal

and impending doom

unto the stories end

where hearts are true

til the night takes hold

and day takes break

for the glory of dreams

lay gentle claim

and the story unfolds

before the breaking of day

^____________-\|/-____________^

chang(ing)(e)(s)

With the changing of seasons

comes the changing of tastes

that change what we love

when the place needs a change

whence the changes may come

and the changes do sway

towards changing of love

and changing of space

who can change who we are

when we conquer the change

in the time of the changes

when changes take place

^____________-\|/-____________^

In the gloom

can I see

an eye afar

watching me

making move

I dodge the trees

gliding its way

approaching the fiend

snarls erupt

when pungent smell

halts my charge

it isn't well

claws flash in moonlight

eyes glare in shadows

sniffing the air

and loosing a howl

she springs my way

heavy steps she takes

yet leaves a trail

of blood in her wake

where once she stood

now she lay

with her head

ten feet away

...

In the gloom

can I see

something else

staring at me

Indubitably

indubitably (not comparable)

1.In a manner that leaves no possibility of doubt; undoubtedly.

I'm in love with the word indubitably because of the way it rolls off of my tongue. I can't recall where I picked it up, but it's been in my vocabulary for several years now as it slowly comes and goes in the rotation of my words. For right now I wholly welcome it back and look forward to the remainder of it's duration.

I indubitably hate my job. More and more I realize that what I do to support life outside of work is quite assuredly the thing that I should not be doing with my life. The poison that I feel at work has begun to trickle into my cozy world outside of the water cooler and I can feel the taint in everything I do now. I hate negativity with a passion and yet I surround myself with it, by choice, for 9 hours a day 5 days a week. This seems like madness. However, I realize that this is the struggle that every person endures and thus I must make ammends with my complacency and tough it out. If I find the secret to doing this I will most definitely let you know.

This weekend I went to Claremore to stay with my sister, her husband, and my two nephews. Afterwards I went to Tulsa to lunch with the rest of the family, watch a movie with them, and stayed with my youngest brother. All I can say is that I'm extremely lucky to have the family support that I do have. I haven't seen my sister in a couple of months, let alone have I had a sit down conversation with her for longer, so this weekend was more than what the doctor could have ordered. Imagine, if you will, me having a conversation with a female version of myself (We all have a striking resemblance to each other and always have). Talking with her was just what Oprah ordered. She is a fellow Pisces, as is her husband and one of my nephews, and I get a lot of insight about myself when speaking with her. I've discovered that when I say that this would be the best year of my life (and it has been) that it's pretty much true for all Pisces that I encounter. There's quite a healthy number of us who've bought houses, or cleared up debt, or met wonderful people, or who knows what...but it appears that we're all having really great years. Well whatever the cause is...I'm truly thankful.

Following the Claremore trip I went to Tulsa to see the rest of my family. To see us all together is to see love in it's purest form. It makes me truly look forward to Thanksgiving next week. So much to be thankful for with stuffing out the whazoo...yeah...I'm lucky.

randomness

Hello life. You've provided quite a bit lately. Thank you for being as kind as you are.

On the eve of Oklahoma's demise, due to the red winning the election, I feel a slight compulsion in drafting a farewell. Not to life or anything like that, I'm drafting a goodbye to freedom. Think of red tape that is being strapped across the eyes of the free thinkers in the state. The red has taken over in droves and our state has turned capitalist. It's going to be a very constricted next couple of years.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, this is a big opportunity for the red and maybe, just maybe in a wishing on carebears maybe, they can pull it together and make the state grand. Heck, if they do rescue the state then I'll deeply reconsider giving a highway patrolman a personal hello with my mouth as well. Oh snap.

Farewell Harry Potter book number 4. I almost cried when Cedric Diggory was killed by Voldemort. Welcome to the real world readers, this shit just got serious. I absolutely don't want to put the books down. I've heard stories of people reading the book on their way back to the store to get the next one. Well call me a camper cus I'm seriously thinking of going to the movie's late night release. I was Harry Potter this year so I have the costume.

Farewell Halloween. From being: a pirate, mawmaw, Harry Potter, a creepy maintenance guy, to a cowboy surfer choir boy; to hosting a kick ass Halloween party; to candy; to fun raffles and events at work. You were absolutely fabulous. This year rocked.

Farewell busy times at work. This month has been horrible in the case of absolutely can't think at work; it's been bam bam bam do this do this do this now now now kind of atmosphere lately. But I'm finally to the point where the eye of the hurricane has settled. There will be a follow through, but it'll be chancey whether it will be tough or not. With this horribleness being thrust upon me it's made me realize that I need to start the life plan for the future.

Tomorrow shall be an interesting day. Blue, you still have time to stock up on hope before the slop hits the pan.