Tumultuous

Definitely a strange word but ultimately fitting.  Where has the year gone?  Where have the last 2 years gone?  Why does everything seem so forced?

The past is littered with endless emails and unprinted pictures.  Random postings of crazy decorate my walls, most unfinished.  The guiding light that beckoned like a beacon of hope faded into dismal memory.  The question lingers; "I had a light?"

It's funny how the actions we take, the answers we never give, and the illusions we create can guide us.  Not the serious ha ha funny where we bust a gut.  The sad kind of funny where the illusion starts to ripple from constant use and you realize that you've been stringing yourself along.  The unfortunate is that in life you never just bring yourself down.

In a society that ties itself to other society members in hopes of climbing ever higher to reach the everlasting heights of the happy...if one falls....it's more than guaranteed that whoever has the shortest string is going to fall with you.  Can you see it?  We are all attached, whether your illusion accepts this or not...we are.

My illusion did not see.  I haven't fallen...yet.  But NOW I can see the strings, the tension, the shadowed, and the lost.  I am the lost.  I've taken for granted all that has happened in the past and even seeing the warning signs approaching I've ignored most of it.  I've alienated my friends, but somehow not my family (yet how can one alienate the ones who will always love you from afar?).  I've gone from being dependent to don't even bother.  I'm fickle, I'm lacking.

Well that's all terribly oppressive.  I can hope for a change because I know the change is needed.  I can see the paths, there are always paths, to climb out of the dismal.  But I fear the choices that need to be made.

The only constant, which is the story of my life, is that I've lost myself...again.  And in the void that was me stands the illusion of who I am.  Move too quickly and I flicker.  Love too deeply and I disappear.

Random Post

In the chill afterthoughts of having the hot water heater spring a leak I sit in despair.  Where once again my nature takes the "go go go" mentality to the forefront, yet it leaves me in the backseat.  I sit staring at the window.  One would see me watching the scenery go by.  But never did I see.

I'm swimming in a shark tank.  I have just enough strength to jump when they bite, but it's waning.  I fear the day.

I can't help but feel the doom and gloom of ghostly hallows past.  Memories of another time haunt me, it was me in the before but it's not me in the now.  Where, oh where did I go?  Or is it where did everyone else go?  Or even why did I not go with them?  With my feet in the mud I continue to get myself stuck.

I feel the winds of change billowing in the west.  Darkness gathering on the breeze with a chill to still the will.  Thoughts safely circling in the bubble that I've built, ready to be shattered at the first touch of ice.  But who will throw the first shard?

Austin - the City

Fashionista I am not.  Nor will I be.  Lazykeesta I am.

In the crazy rollercoaster that is my life I've gone through a flaming transition.  Flaming beyond anything that I could have ever created for myself.  I experienced Austin, and I left me, but I gained more than me.

Gay softball is the bees knees.  We, the Swallows, rocked it out and we showed the gays that Oklahoma has something to offer. Tied for 7th out of 32 teams in the Austin Texas Shootout 2011 tournament.  We surprised ourselves I think with our tenacity, our togetherness, and our ability to entertain the world.

We tore Austin up.  She offered us culture and we drank from her milky bowl, everyone taking in what they could.  It was the epitomy of a blast.

I learned that I'm weird.  I can't explain the weirdness, no words could ever be conjured to capture this picture.  But I am okay with this weirdness.  I like to call myself granola, a hippy of sorts who accepts all equally and trusts until trust is broken.  I acknowledge the wrong in the world and right it when I can.  I'm oblivious to the world that isn't part of my world.  But again, I'm okay with it.

I've learned to be who I am.  Largely going through life miming others around until I fall upon the ground in despair.  To say the least I feel liberated now.  Austin kind of helped me out there.

Don't get me wrong, there's a crazy insane list of people who I long to thank for the guidance along the way.  But every day is a learning experience and I have indeed learned.

Be you, for there is only one of you.

Crossroads

I've surpassed the year mark.  Entered into another year of greatness.  And will continue to prevail.

Ups and downs have adorned the path that I follow.  Beautiful things dot the landscape as I pass.  Great memories have been had and await again further along the road.  And the road will become a highway.

This is my life.  I've had things to say and I've supressed the thoughts that are damning.  I still have things to say and I still supress the damning thoughts.  I write in my head and long for the paper to design the tapestry of truth.  Yet I lack for time and motivation from the distractions that are.

My creed has not changed, nor will it.  I am who I am and will be who I am, ever changing when the need fits after tantrums run their course.  But in honesty I will always live and for the truth I long to seek.  I am humble, I am unique, I am the quiet voice bearing words that have meaning.

Speak to me tomorrow and you'll be greeted with a smile.  Speak to me in a year and the smile will not change.  Except for another laugh line and wrinkle in my eye.  I long to be the happy in the day that is quite glum.  I will be the happy in the ending of those thoughts. 

The projects that I take are chosen not by me, but with a grace will I subdue the beast who seeks to clean.  With merry thoughts do I leave you on your journey all the same.  It gets better when you make it so.

February's passing

In with a blizzard and blizzard jr, and out with a teasing of Spring. February I will miss you. But I'm more than glad your time is up.

There have been things that I've wanted to write and words that needed spoken yet the flow has been but a trickle. Well I think that the flood gates are about to be broken.

It's still true that I lack that driving force in my life to push me over the edge into stardom. But that's because it's in me and I can't rely on others to make it happen. But (again) I can rely on others to provide inspiration, because they do every day. It's almost been a year since I started this blog. My original goal has been for this to be an honest representation of a guy who entered the second third of his life and was developing his planetary orbit. Parts of my goal have been accomplished while there's quite a bit of it that has yet to be fulfilled. But hey the great thing about a second third of life is that it lasts a long long time.

I have the world to conquer and a space ship that's fueled and ready to go.

So what has February done for me that has made my life better? It's proven to me how disorganized I really am. I thought, at first, that I was just lazy. True as that statement is it leaves out a very important second half. I'm lazy and disorganized. Mind yourself, I still loves who I am. I just realized that improving yourself is a lifelong engagement. So, as I tell my friend Geoff in his quest to improve his kill streaks from 2 to 3 in Call of Duty: Black Ops, "baby steps".

February taught me to improve my skills at Black Ops. 'Killin' as me and my brothers call it. We sometimes meet up online to end the dreams of the poor lost soldier who runs across our sights. We've actually gotten pretty good at it, years of practice...years and years of practice. It's like hanging out with my brothers even though we're miles away (shout out to the geniuses who spawned the Internet and to those who shape its way).

February grew my relationship. It taught boundaries, showed areas of improvement, provided opportunities for improvement, and unveiled a best friend who I can't wait to spend eternity with. Yeah, February might have laid the kinder of creativity in me. Mayhaps turning 31 will be the spark?

February also improved my skills in the work environment. With a looming possible job promotion on a 40% hopeful scale, I feel that my work skills have improved and now feel earning of the appreciation for what I do. If I had to define what I do now...I'd be the go to guy for excel projects. Now I'm the IT contact for my department, and very soon I'll be doing Capital Assets for the City. In addition, my current project is to work with citizens in reclaiming their unclaimed monies from the City. No...none of you are on the list. :D

In conclusion (lol), I disliked the sedentariness...yes it's a word...of February,but I'm looking forward to the changes that are coming. Less than two weeks until the ball drops on another year for me....and I am truly looking forward to it.

I refuse

I could choose, not to move. But I refuse.

I've been a slight bit of an emotional rollercoaster since last weekend. The emotions that I normally keep quite level have been doing dips and flips with such flair that I find myself with tears behind the veil of my eyes. I want to cry to get it out but I don't know if I truly can. If only the whirlwind would come at appropriate times.

Mostly I feel that it's related to comparisons. Of how I compare my life to anothers, how we both attained the status that we both deem as successful and how we feel content to be such. I think I have a bit more pondering to do before I can truly understand the underlying cause.

In a time of up, I was heading to retrieve my car to take my coworkers to lunch. I had a really strong calling to listen to the radio as I've been growing tired of my cds. I RARELY listen to the radio so naturally nothing is set in my car. I'm breezing through trying to find a station when I come upon Air One (no clue what station it is). They were playing "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk...who happens to be one of my most favorite artists from back in the day. In fact, I will probably be able to sing their songs 20 years down the road without even hearing them in years.

Anyways - the next song that came on was new music by John Wilson "I Refuse". And I love me some new music! In hearing this song I, firstly, instantly fell in love with the sound, and secondly, felt it's touch. It's brought up a few questions in myself about God and what I believe, what is life and the afterlife and what are the goals we should attain in living. That's all beside the point, because what truly mattered is that it helped me cope. In its masterpiece of making me think, I've had to come to conclusions and accept the grief to overcome it.

I refuse to dwell on the bad things that happen. I accept them for what they are and I rejoice in the good that came of it all.



I believe that music can speak to you, and that it can change who you are.

Passing

Sometimes it takes death to wake the living.

With a recent friend's passing I find myself with a heavy heart and clogged mind. I've never viewed death as something to fear, it's a natural process in the evolution of life and all things pass in their time.

But this death was extremely unexpected. Just when great things were happening for him and the best years of his life were about to take hold and propel him into prosperity. He proved that life is just too short.

I keep grasping for a what happened. As if knowing the cause will prevent the sadness that I feel. But in the end, as I know is true, it doesn't matter because he is still gone. The only fact that does matter is that he lived, he lived well, he lived free.

Death happens every day, but this is the first time that it's hit my personal community. There have been passings before in my City. There's been passings of friends and family that I didn't know that well. There have been passings in the gay community. But never before has there been a death in the circle of people I know. Even if I didn't know him well the mark that he left upon me was strong. And with his death comes a true sadness for what's left.

I've made it through the first 1/3 of my life more unscathed than is worthy. During the course of the rest of my life I will face death in many forms and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. No one and no thing can prepare me for this; and I sadly say that I don't want to have to see it through. But to deny these things would be to deny life itself, and with my love of life shall come the acceptance of death as it runs its course.

Appreciate what's been done in life. Remember them for the lives they lived. And live like you have no tomorrow.

Every tomorrow brings a today when the sadness finally trickles away.

Tron the Stranger

I saw Tron 3D in the IMAX theater this weekend. In it's level of awesomeness, because it was awesome, I understood not a lick of what was going on. When it finished I informed my crew that I did like it, that I thought Hillary Duff did a great job, and that I didn't understand a thing about what happened for sure in the movie. I guess that's to be expected.

However, it was not Hillary Duff who played the female lead role. It was, in fact, Olivia Wilde, who looks like Hillary Duff in my opinion. This led me down the road of thinking hmmmmmmm what happened to HD? And wham, as if answered by the radio gods themselves her new single plays on Yahoo Radio. Insta-fan! I hope you are now too, I did like her years ago when she first started singing but she just kinda fell off...and now she's back and looking amazing.

This song hit me on a personal level. As a Pisces who constantly swims around the fishbowl always up always down, I realized that I had become a stranger in some ways. Now life provides a whole plethora of events and occurences and get-togethers. Life also gives you the choice to participate in a few before things change. You will never get the opportunity to do all, you will never get the opportunity to do it again. Each occurence occurs individually in a sense that if you were to recreate it exactly the same way it would still be different because the occupants will be different because of their experiences. (That's a mouthful) Life can give you second chances but the chance will be different without fail.

Enter the stranger. Where I was almost a year ago is completely different from where I am now. When I enter the memories of the past I cannot grasp the event in full because I feel like the stranger. It's not who I am anymore.

This is where most of humanity is at some point. I've changed so much in the past year that I sometimes feel I do not know who I am. Yet on the inside I know that I am me and always will be me. It is okay to be the stranger, but it's not okay to remain so. It's not healthy in the grand scheme of who you are. Embracing the stranger makes the occurences in life even stranger (good pun eh?).

As Hillary says in her song:
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Don't be scared to be who you are. Remember the past, but remember the change as well that made you the stranger that you feel. Embrace the change and you'll embrace yourself...not the stranger.

chocolate mustaches

There's one thing that I really don't understand in this world...and that is really extremely obese people.  It is an enigma to me.  I understand how people get to be obese, what I don't understand is how they can continue to let it be so.  Sedentary is the enemy.

There came a time in my life where I ballooned into a stubby little fat man.  At the biggest point of my largeness, when I realized that I had developed stretch marks, I made the vow to never be fat again.  I have never made it up to that weight again, but I have teetered on the edge of being fat.

This repulsion with obesity is good, yet it's bad.  The bad comes out in times like now, the after holidays.  It didn't help that I had a cold which sent my malaise level to malaizingly sloth-like.  I don't like when I lose focus, and I like it less when it starts to show.

I haven't made any New Year's Resolutions and I won't.  But I know that I need to commit to something here pretty soon.  Where has the determination gone?

Muffin had a bone

First off, I created a blog at wordpress.com.  I think it's there but I have to throw it out there that I created a blog there because I'm sort of unhappy with blogger.  I can't post to facebook...why I want to post there is still somewhat undecided at the moment but that the option to post there is unfortunately out of my grasp with this blog, which makes me sad.  But my sadness makes me want to move on quickly and painlessly.

So moving on, into new years and such, I say to you:  Merry Leggo My Eggos.  This year say to the man:  Leggo my eggos!  The time for repression is over.  Stand up to the man.  Your Eggos are screaming to be Leggo!  Grab your fork and liberate them!  You, sirs and madams, are the syrup to goodness.  Do not let your sweet goodness go to waste.  Leggo your Eggos!

Eat your black eyed peas.  In a world where luck does matter, may you always be graced with her presence.  Merry New Year.

Pink Lights and Shiny Things

In picking out Christmas lights this year my lovable local walmart had the dismal selection of clear, multi, amber, or pink.

Now don't let me fool you, I got really excited when I saw the pink lights. I thought, what better way to show my true colors than to put pink lights on my house, especially when no one else on my 1 block street has decided to put up house lights at all.

The selection, however, disappoints me. It seems that walmart, the providers of everything you could ever need and more, is slimming down their selection to take away the choice. What happened to green lights, or blue, or red? Do these colors not matter in their world anymore? And who really puts up amber lights for Christmas? Amber is a pretty color but I don't think I'd be sporting it to say hey Christmas is here or anything silly like that.

I guess if you get down to it then pink really isn't a Christmas color either. But why should I let walmart decide this for me? Awhile back I had to buy paperclips, I could have waited and borrowed a couple from work but I was in the store and figured might as well get them now. After first locating the stationary section it took what seemed like years to locate the paper clips. One would assume they would have neat little boxes of 50 or 100 paper clips ready to go...but one would be wrong with that assumption. If you want paper clips now a days you have to purchase the paper clip holder that comes with 10...yes 10 whole paper clips. Outraged was I.

I bought them and the ridiculous purchase is sitting unused on my desk at home.

The problem with letting people dictate what you can purchase is that the things you will be able to purchase later will be completely unnecessary later. We're addicted to shiny things and we want them now.

If I was smart I would have gone to an office supply store to pay several bucks less on paper clips. If I was thrifty I would have borrowed some from work. But since I'm lazy I paid and grumbled and now have a useless purchase. But hey...yay for pink lights :)

whip my hair

Jay-Z ft. Willow Smith - Whip My Hair (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by ChaOko_01. - Explore more music videos.

I find when whipping my hair back and forth I often come down with a serious neck ache that leaves me prostrate in bed for up to two weeks. The only positive for this wild and reckless behavior is the drugs for the pain. Needless to say the moment I was blacklisted for morphine I no longer practice the action of whipping my hair back and forth. Note: A piss poor side effect of morphine is hair loss, where in the instance of this video where she is whipping paint back and forth I would be the one showering everyone with loose hair. Note part two: As one ages our equilibrium's deteriorate causing bruises and worse when whipping hair back and forth. Note part three: Please use caution when whipping hair back and forth. Note part four: The creator of this blog is only responsible for the distribution of the want to whip one's hair back and forth, however he is not responsible for the injuries sustained from whipping one's hair back and forth. That is all.

Story Time Thursday - poemista

Story Time Thursday : ) poem edition.

On gentle night doth story tell

of grandeur told

heroics fell

loves betrayal

and impending doom

unto the stories end

where hearts are true

til the night takes hold

and day takes break

for the glory of dreams

lay gentle claim

and the story unfolds

before the breaking of day

^____________-\|/-____________^

chang(ing)(e)(s)

With the changing of seasons

comes the changing of tastes

that change what we love

when the place needs a change

whence the changes may come

and the changes do sway

towards changing of love

and changing of space

who can change who we are

when we conquer the change

in the time of the changes

when changes take place

^____________-\|/-____________^

In the gloom

can I see

an eye afar

watching me

making move

I dodge the trees

gliding its way

approaching the fiend

snarls erupt

when pungent smell

halts my charge

it isn't well

claws flash in moonlight

eyes glare in shadows

sniffing the air

and loosing a howl

she springs my way

heavy steps she takes

yet leaves a trail

of blood in her wake

where once she stood

now she lay

with her head

ten feet away

...

In the gloom

can I see

something else

staring at me

Indubitably

indubitably (not comparable)

1.In a manner that leaves no possibility of doubt; undoubtedly.

I'm in love with the word indubitably because of the way it rolls off of my tongue. I can't recall where I picked it up, but it's been in my vocabulary for several years now as it slowly comes and goes in the rotation of my words. For right now I wholly welcome it back and look forward to the remainder of it's duration.

I indubitably hate my job. More and more I realize that what I do to support life outside of work is quite assuredly the thing that I should not be doing with my life. The poison that I feel at work has begun to trickle into my cozy world outside of the water cooler and I can feel the taint in everything I do now. I hate negativity with a passion and yet I surround myself with it, by choice, for 9 hours a day 5 days a week. This seems like madness. However, I realize that this is the struggle that every person endures and thus I must make ammends with my complacency and tough it out. If I find the secret to doing this I will most definitely let you know.

This weekend I went to Claremore to stay with my sister, her husband, and my two nephews. Afterwards I went to Tulsa to lunch with the rest of the family, watch a movie with them, and stayed with my youngest brother. All I can say is that I'm extremely lucky to have the family support that I do have. I haven't seen my sister in a couple of months, let alone have I had a sit down conversation with her for longer, so this weekend was more than what the doctor could have ordered. Imagine, if you will, me having a conversation with a female version of myself (We all have a striking resemblance to each other and always have). Talking with her was just what Oprah ordered. She is a fellow Pisces, as is her husband and one of my nephews, and I get a lot of insight about myself when speaking with her. I've discovered that when I say that this would be the best year of my life (and it has been) that it's pretty much true for all Pisces that I encounter. There's quite a healthy number of us who've bought houses, or cleared up debt, or met wonderful people, or who knows what...but it appears that we're all having really great years. Well whatever the cause is...I'm truly thankful.

Following the Claremore trip I went to Tulsa to see the rest of my family. To see us all together is to see love in it's purest form. It makes me truly look forward to Thanksgiving next week. So much to be thankful for with stuffing out the whazoo...yeah...I'm lucky.

randomness

Hello life. You've provided quite a bit lately. Thank you for being as kind as you are.

On the eve of Oklahoma's demise, due to the red winning the election, I feel a slight compulsion in drafting a farewell. Not to life or anything like that, I'm drafting a goodbye to freedom. Think of red tape that is being strapped across the eyes of the free thinkers in the state. The red has taken over in droves and our state has turned capitalist. It's going to be a very constricted next couple of years.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, this is a big opportunity for the red and maybe, just maybe in a wishing on carebears maybe, they can pull it together and make the state grand. Heck, if they do rescue the state then I'll deeply reconsider giving a highway patrolman a personal hello with my mouth as well. Oh snap.

Farewell Harry Potter book number 4. I almost cried when Cedric Diggory was killed by Voldemort. Welcome to the real world readers, this shit just got serious. I absolutely don't want to put the books down. I've heard stories of people reading the book on their way back to the store to get the next one. Well call me a camper cus I'm seriously thinking of going to the movie's late night release. I was Harry Potter this year so I have the costume.

Farewell Halloween. From being: a pirate, mawmaw, Harry Potter, a creepy maintenance guy, to a cowboy surfer choir boy; to hosting a kick ass Halloween party; to candy; to fun raffles and events at work. You were absolutely fabulous. This year rocked.

Farewell busy times at work. This month has been horrible in the case of absolutely can't think at work; it's been bam bam bam do this do this do this now now now kind of atmosphere lately. But I'm finally to the point where the eye of the hurricane has settled. There will be a follow through, but it'll be chancey whether it will be tough or not. With this horribleness being thrust upon me it's made me realize that I need to start the life plan for the future.

Tomorrow shall be an interesting day. Blue, you still have time to stock up on hope before the slop hits the pan.

Story Time Thursday - the red

the red

The Cataclysm ended freedom as we had once known it. No one could predict the horrors that would occur on our own soil. Horrors only imagined in nightmares or seen in cheesy movie flicks, horrors that affected everyone in the world. The Cataclysm was the spark for the birth of a new world.

The Cataclysm said hello to the world with an earthquake. America was building a world headquarters for the oil barrens who pillaged the earth where it pleased. The headquarters would be a monument to man’s conquering of the land. Historic and massive praise was heralded to the heartland as the nation watched with empty coffers. Earth insulted, struck back at man by bringing the tower down, and with it the nation.

A City was torn in two where the earth’s shell cracked. One side of the town had sunken below sea level. The other side had risen to become a true mountain where the peak had been a park bench. Shock and disbelief paralyzed the nation. The shock of the shift in the earth’s crust had sent a spire stabbing the sky. Disbelief at the unholy sight coupled with the feelings of gratitude and praise that the earthquake hadn’t been worse. Though it toppled the tower, the earthquake didn’t spread, nor did it claim the lives of many. The earth was telling us that she was supreme, she was powerful, and she was in charge.

The tragedy couldn’t have happened at a better time for the regime who ruled the state with a red thumb. With elections for governor looming, the prospects for a massive gain in control took over the nation. The state would now be ruled by a sorceress whose skills’ with conniving lies would bring down a nation. Where the earthquake shed few droplets of blood, the red painted the land with her color. Little Red turned out to be the wolf.

The nation poured money into the heartland. Already weak from stabilizing a fluctuating economy, the nation crumbled when the banks fell. Without the support of the dollar, the nation plummeted into despair. Little Red saw opportunity in the face of this new challenge. Seizing the army, she declared the heartland to be a free people under a new government. Her government was utilitarian rule. She charmed the wealthy into positions of power and held court in the newly rebuilt and finished World Headquarters. From atop her pedestal she restructured a state into a nation.

The east sat with open mouth. Drained of resources, money, and power and it sank into poverty. Countering the new crisis proved to be too overwhelming. It brought about the collapse of government altogether. Some states were better able to deal with the decay, others broke into chaos. The once mighty cities of the coast, where the people turned feral and the political struggle amidst panic and madness ended in the destruction of most.

It turned out that the earthquake was just the beginning of the Cataclysm. All eyes were on the nation when the West was taken from the mainland. The formation of the nation’s new mountain had slowed the earth’s rotation and shifted her axis. Weather followed. The spire sparked the formation of massive storm system that soaked the west, flooding the vast deserts and changing the landscape forever. The West became a mass of islands, marshes and mountains. United was no longer an option for the nation.

Little Red became the head of a broken people. With ultimate power at her beck and call she enslaved the people. With communication scarce and limited, she strengthened the core of her country before setting about the walling of her people. Neglecting calls for aid from her neighbors and spreading lies about the support of countries from afar, the red began controlling her people. She began to show her traits of true cruelty when the south began to move north. Manipulating the Republic’s own soldiers, she allowed them to cross her lands only to rule them before they made it to the other side. No blood was spilled in her lands, but she bathed north with it. She ruthlessly sent her armies north to claim other states. Those who resisted were killed.

Little Red’s ambitious plans amidst chaos and confusion altered life as we knew it. A once free people now sat powerless before a puppeteer whose ultimate desire for power would lead to the death of a nation and the death of unity. The world watched in horror as Little Red obtained control of country after country. Her mercenary army took out opposition to lay claim to most of the continent. Little Red’s nation was fueled by control, the oil barons were rocketed to elite and the common man became a soldier or an outcast.

The Cataclysm ended freedom as we had once known it. Free will and escape became a dream. The earth had sent a reminder that she was in charge. But Little Red had shown the land that her cry for attention was the perfect springing board for absolute power. And she showed the world what power she had attained. The Cataclysm was Little Red.

Story Time Thursday (Friday edition)

Beware

I heard the men coming long before I saw their grimy faces. The sounds of the war they brought announced their intention days before they appeared on the horizon. Death rang clearly in the air.

There was a sense of foreboding between me and my brothers when we first noticed their kind. We were peaceful, left alone to tend the land as we pleased singing songs of old in the glory that we all shared equally. With the spotting of the first man in our midst came the rustling of doom whispered on the wind.

In the years of my youth I was warned of this possible fate. The elders heard stories of such atrocities, they warned us to be vigilant and wise and to never let our guards down. Danger apparently lurked around every corner in those days. Being young we took it as lightly as we could for they were old and spent too much time in the clouds seeing what was not there. I could only sit in gloom as I watched what they said could pass come true.

I lived a good life. Always reaching for the top and applying myself resourcefully. I never took more from the soil than what I needed. With determination I grew taller than any others, stronger than even the elders of old. With valor I was appointed the peacekeeper of the forest, the protector of the land, and the reader of the winds.

Failure ran throughout my length. The reader of the winds has failed. The one everyone looked to sat idly by as strangers swarmed the countryside slaughtering his people. The murmurs of disappointment creaked through the forest as more and more voices went silent. My voice the quietest of them all.

No one could have prepared me for what I faced. Even with the knowledge that it could happen never was a remedy discussed. The elders in all their wisdom knew not what to do in the face of this kind of danger. Frustration gripped me as the war machines grew closer yet.

“Why must it be this way?” I cried loudly into the sky. The only response I received came from the angry calls of birds that had been startled by my outburst. My frustration turned to anger in the face of their daunting calls. To be a nomad, to be able to take flight when the moment turns for worse, to be so lucky, to be so free. I wept for I knew I would never be free, I would never escape this fate.

Day by day, the sounds and the men grew closer. Our voices continued to fall silent. I gloomily awaited my turn.

With the sun creeping over the horizon came the voices of the men. They brandished weapons with teeth covered by the blood of my comrades. They sang and whistled while they worked to eradicate all that stood before them. They called out triumphantly every time one of my people fell.

I trembled in anger as several of the men approached me with their weapon of death. They took their time getting ready by hoisting ropes over my arms and around my body. When all was ready they began the first cut. The pain was dulled by my fury and sadness.

In unison they began to cut deeper into me. They sawed back in forth while humming a tune I could not understand. I began to sway with their movements but I did not fall. I refused to fall.

Tears began to seep slowly as the pain grew worse. I felt each bite as the teeth tore through my skin. With the last of my life force slowly ebbing away I took a last look at my surroundings. Where my people had been, so lush and vibrant with life, was filled with churned earth and piles of bodies. There were men everywhere, they were mutilating the once beautiful landscape. With horror I saw a group in the distance cutting one of my neighbors in half. With a gasp and a shudder I lost control.

But the men never saw the full strength of my anger. I began to fall. The men called out with cheers as I felt my base come out from under me. I was too late.

I watched my body fall to the ground with an earth moving crash. I saw my brothers and sisters shudder in unison as they watched, horrified and speechless. Descending higher and higher into the clouds I saw the forest, my people, begin to mourn the death of the peacekeeper. From afar I saw the first leaves begin to fall as my people wept. As my conscience started to dissipate, feeling the reality of the world leaving me with sweet tendrils of haze, I gathered what life force I could. Massing in the center of the ethereal being that I had become, I forced my essence towards the earth.

-Beware man-

Storytime Thursday - Pirate

A little tribute for this weekend. Yarr!



Three days and counting down until we reached port. Three days and I would be off of this wretched ship called 'Petunia' and away from her nasty crew. Picking this vessel had been the worst way to start a new life in the new land. My disappointment in myself had only worsened on this twelve day trip and if I didn't get my act together I wasn't going to stay sane for much longer. What a way to start a new life.
Sounding loudly from the crow's nest came a panicked cry, "Ship starboard side!". The stark pronouncement snapped me quickly out of my reverie and sent me straight to pure panic. "I'm just a writer", I thought as my insides turned chill at the sight of a massive ship not twenty paces from the starboard rail. Teaming with foul men who's singular appearance spoke of dark things and rough lives. The beast of a vessel loomed high overhead making it easy for the pirates to cast grappling hooks over the railing. Before anyone had even moved, our ship had been taken.
I stood there in shock as men of the ghastly sort boarded our ship, no one moved. One by one the pirates slew the crew of 'Petunia', caught completely unprepared...we were but sheep to them. Twenty of their men were now aboard the ship, myself and two other crew members were left standing. From the massive ship came a gruff voice saying "Surrender ye weapons and ye'll be spar'd."
I couldn't believe what I heard! No one aboard the 'Petunia' had taken up arms! My thoughts were interrupted as a plank was lowered to the center of our deck. A burly man the color of death began swiftly walking down the wooden ramp. His steps were heavy from his thick black boots. They sparkeled a muted red in the sun. He started to laugh as he approached, "Not even a scratch, Yarley" he noticed as he patted a trenchcoat wearing mess of a man on the back. The other pirates began to laugh menacingly with their captain.
From below deck came a loud cry from our captain and the crewmembers who were stationed below. Hope welled within me as the doors leading to below burst open and charged towards the pirates' captain. I felt that we would be okay, the captain of 'Petunia' flowering before our eyes. A new day had begun for all of them!
Still laughing through the daunting battle cry of the crewmembers, the captain slowly drew from his left breast pocket a black pistol. The barrel was huge and long like a sword. Without even looking he aimed the barrel towards the charging crewmembers and shot the captain of our ship right in the middle of his forehead, the force of the blast knocking the captain back into his charging crew members. They were slaughtered by more gunshots as the pirates aboard 'Petunia' had also drawn their weapons.
My horror at the massacre was dulled when the captain stood in my face. His breath smelled of clove and onions, carmelized from the searing heat of his mouth. Numerous cuts graced his deeply pocked face. "Remember this", he whispered in my ear as he grabbed the back of my head, pulling my hair he brought me down to my knees. Laughing once more he backhanded me with such force I was thrown into a group of barrels tied to the railing. The world went black as their laughing filled my ears in muffled tones. My last thought before seeing the dark was Pirate.


"Pirate!", I yelled as I jerked from sleep.

Aye Carumba

It's October...already. Where did the time go?

I've entered month one of hell at work. If I want to be technical it started towards the end of last month and will last until the end of November...but who's really counting when hell is hell. Year end happened June 30 and now it's time to start publishing the Trust reports and our Comprehensive Annual Financial Report. These bad boys are beasts. And who does it fall on to maintain these projects? None other than yours truly.

I'm torn between being appreciative that I am secure in my position at work, while being horrified that I'm still doing something that I don't want to do. I know everyone encounters this during several points in their life so I am not going to really bitch about it. I will endure, continue to be an asset to the City and pray that one day a chance will fall in my lap that will rescue me. If you can't tell I love me some pipe dreams.

So where has the year gone? 6 months ago I started this blog to document my change and personal growth on this journey through 30. I think I've done pseudo well on the blog, as I could/should write more, and I've done extremely well in my personal life with the house/car/pets. But I wish there was more time. More time to spend with friends, more time to relax, more time to sleep (gawd I need sleep bad), more time to play, and more time to write. Of course everyone wishes for these things and more as well...so I'm not going to bitch about that either.

I ponder: I want to have a couple of friends over for dinner yet I don't want to cook the dinner...I just want to have friends over :P. I want to throw a Halloween party yet I know not when the best time would be. I want to see friends more yet the moment I get home I lose motivation on inquiring about their welfare and asking them to hang out.

I ponder: Do others think about their friends and think they should hang out before the day is over and the thought escaped them? Do others long for company yet want to have nothing to do with prep work as well? Do others love Halloween as much as I do? :)

My thoughts are jumbled. I realize now that the sanctity of my home (as it is a home now) is the black hole for motivation. It's so much easier to sit and drain my days away doing nothing or some miniscule task than to do something of value or spending quality time with friends. I sit staring in the face of the black hole and I long for things that I take for granted.

This too shall pass. Maybe it's the first touches of cold that Fall has ushered in, or maybe it's that I've done so much lately my body needs this brief time alone. So I fight the longing to do more while doing less.

Mind you, there will be a Halloween party...oh yes

Storytime Thursday - Nuts

It wasn't until I saw the squirrel running out of my open front door that I realized that I had been robbed. There he was in his brown furry glory, trailing a can of mixed nuts by a string hanging from his mouth. He looked smug. By the time I reached the end of my driveway my mouth had hit my lap causing me to accelerate almost too quickly. No, no I did not hit the garage door. And no, no I did not stop.

Fuming I kept accelerating while turning the wheel as fast as I could. The tires squealed loudly as I detoured through my yard and over the corner of my porch. I caught air. The jolt almost knocked some sense into me when the car landed, but seeing the thief skittering down the street while noisily trailing a can of mixed nuts behind him made me see red. I gunned it.

With my tires squealing I zoomed down the street chasing the culprit. The sound of the can dragging down the street was so loud it was like it was all around me. 'No squirrel was going to get the best of me' I thought as I chased violently after him. I swear I saw him look back at me and stick his tongue out.

Zigging and zagging I followed speedily. The beast was fast, so fast he left a dust trail when he cut across a neighbor's yard. I caught air as I hit the curb with a loud popping sound. I ignored everything but the squirrel, I was gaining on him.

I slammed on the breaks as the bastard stopped and ran underneath the car. I saw the can of mixed nuts bounce above my hood before being drug underneath the car and disappearing from sight. I quickly put it in reverse thinking he had made his worst decision yet.

Back over the curb I bounced. Seeing my bumper mangled in the yard infuriated me even further. "See what you did!", I screamed as I searched frantically for him. I spotted the can being drug into some bushes across the street. "Aha!", throwing it back in drive I gunned it for the bushes.

I didn't realize that the bushes hid a cozy little brick wall until it was too late. My windshield wipers were useless in removing the chunks of brick that now covered my car. But I was closer to the monster now. I could feel the strain on his little twig legs and I saw the sweat pouring from his brow.

Thinking to undo me he headed straight for a tree. Hot on the tail of the mixed nuts I followed where the tricky bugger did a circle and darted back towards the brick wall. 'That must be his home', I thought as I started gaining on him again.

Shock is the only thing I can think of to explain seeing him release the string and jump on a nearby trash can, it's the only thing that can explain why I kept going. Life went to slow motion then as I sped past the trashcan where he was perched. I caught his eyes as he flipped me off before he flew from the trashcan and right onto my face. I'm quite sure I screamed like a woman moments before his sharp claws penetrated my face. Have you ever smelled a sweating squirrel? The stench, I will tell you, is awful.

Resting softly on a giant pillow, drooling happily, in my dreams I heard the voice of a man calling to me. I was eating from my newly recovered can of mixed nuts and everything was right in the world, why was this man shouting angrily? As I slowly opened my eyes I saw the owner of the voice and a very shiny badge. Behind him, far behind yet close enough to be seen clearly, was the squirrel...munching on my nuts. I groaned before passing out once again.