Tumultuous

Definitely a strange word but ultimately fitting.  Where has the year gone?  Where have the last 2 years gone?  Why does everything seem so forced?

The past is littered with endless emails and unprinted pictures.  Random postings of crazy decorate my walls, most unfinished.  The guiding light that beckoned like a beacon of hope faded into dismal memory.  The question lingers; "I had a light?"

It's funny how the actions we take, the answers we never give, and the illusions we create can guide us.  Not the serious ha ha funny where we bust a gut.  The sad kind of funny where the illusion starts to ripple from constant use and you realize that you've been stringing yourself along.  The unfortunate is that in life you never just bring yourself down.

In a society that ties itself to other society members in hopes of climbing ever higher to reach the everlasting heights of the happy...if one falls....it's more than guaranteed that whoever has the shortest string is going to fall with you.  Can you see it?  We are all attached, whether your illusion accepts this or not...we are.

My illusion did not see.  I haven't fallen...yet.  But NOW I can see the strings, the tension, the shadowed, and the lost.  I am the lost.  I've taken for granted all that has happened in the past and even seeing the warning signs approaching I've ignored most of it.  I've alienated my friends, but somehow not my family (yet how can one alienate the ones who will always love you from afar?).  I've gone from being dependent to don't even bother.  I'm fickle, I'm lacking.

Well that's all terribly oppressive.  I can hope for a change because I know the change is needed.  I can see the paths, there are always paths, to climb out of the dismal.  But I fear the choices that need to be made.

The only constant, which is the story of my life, is that I've lost myself...again.  And in the void that was me stands the illusion of who I am.  Move too quickly and I flicker.  Love too deeply and I disappear.

Random Post

In the chill afterthoughts of having the hot water heater spring a leak I sit in despair.  Where once again my nature takes the "go go go" mentality to the forefront, yet it leaves me in the backseat.  I sit staring at the window.  One would see me watching the scenery go by.  But never did I see.

I'm swimming in a shark tank.  I have just enough strength to jump when they bite, but it's waning.  I fear the day.

I can't help but feel the doom and gloom of ghostly hallows past.  Memories of another time haunt me, it was me in the before but it's not me in the now.  Where, oh where did I go?  Or is it where did everyone else go?  Or even why did I not go with them?  With my feet in the mud I continue to get myself stuck.

I feel the winds of change billowing in the west.  Darkness gathering on the breeze with a chill to still the will.  Thoughts safely circling in the bubble that I've built, ready to be shattered at the first touch of ice.  But who will throw the first shard?

Austin - the City

Fashionista I am not.  Nor will I be.  Lazykeesta I am.

In the crazy rollercoaster that is my life I've gone through a flaming transition.  Flaming beyond anything that I could have ever created for myself.  I experienced Austin, and I left me, but I gained more than me.

Gay softball is the bees knees.  We, the Swallows, rocked it out and we showed the gays that Oklahoma has something to offer. Tied for 7th out of 32 teams in the Austin Texas Shootout 2011 tournament.  We surprised ourselves I think with our tenacity, our togetherness, and our ability to entertain the world.

We tore Austin up.  She offered us culture and we drank from her milky bowl, everyone taking in what they could.  It was the epitomy of a blast.

I learned that I'm weird.  I can't explain the weirdness, no words could ever be conjured to capture this picture.  But I am okay with this weirdness.  I like to call myself granola, a hippy of sorts who accepts all equally and trusts until trust is broken.  I acknowledge the wrong in the world and right it when I can.  I'm oblivious to the world that isn't part of my world.  But again, I'm okay with it.

I've learned to be who I am.  Largely going through life miming others around until I fall upon the ground in despair.  To say the least I feel liberated now.  Austin kind of helped me out there.

Don't get me wrong, there's a crazy insane list of people who I long to thank for the guidance along the way.  But every day is a learning experience and I have indeed learned.

Be you, for there is only one of you.

Crossroads

I've surpassed the year mark.  Entered into another year of greatness.  And will continue to prevail.

Ups and downs have adorned the path that I follow.  Beautiful things dot the landscape as I pass.  Great memories have been had and await again further along the road.  And the road will become a highway.

This is my life.  I've had things to say and I've supressed the thoughts that are damning.  I still have things to say and I still supress the damning thoughts.  I write in my head and long for the paper to design the tapestry of truth.  Yet I lack for time and motivation from the distractions that are.

My creed has not changed, nor will it.  I am who I am and will be who I am, ever changing when the need fits after tantrums run their course.  But in honesty I will always live and for the truth I long to seek.  I am humble, I am unique, I am the quiet voice bearing words that have meaning.

Speak to me tomorrow and you'll be greeted with a smile.  Speak to me in a year and the smile will not change.  Except for another laugh line and wrinkle in my eye.  I long to be the happy in the day that is quite glum.  I will be the happy in the ending of those thoughts. 

The projects that I take are chosen not by me, but with a grace will I subdue the beast who seeks to clean.  With merry thoughts do I leave you on your journey all the same.  It gets better when you make it so.

February's passing

In with a blizzard and blizzard jr, and out with a teasing of Spring. February I will miss you. But I'm more than glad your time is up.

There have been things that I've wanted to write and words that needed spoken yet the flow has been but a trickle. Well I think that the flood gates are about to be broken.

It's still true that I lack that driving force in my life to push me over the edge into stardom. But that's because it's in me and I can't rely on others to make it happen. But (again) I can rely on others to provide inspiration, because they do every day. It's almost been a year since I started this blog. My original goal has been for this to be an honest representation of a guy who entered the second third of his life and was developing his planetary orbit. Parts of my goal have been accomplished while there's quite a bit of it that has yet to be fulfilled. But hey the great thing about a second third of life is that it lasts a long long time.

I have the world to conquer and a space ship that's fueled and ready to go.

So what has February done for me that has made my life better? It's proven to me how disorganized I really am. I thought, at first, that I was just lazy. True as that statement is it leaves out a very important second half. I'm lazy and disorganized. Mind yourself, I still loves who I am. I just realized that improving yourself is a lifelong engagement. So, as I tell my friend Geoff in his quest to improve his kill streaks from 2 to 3 in Call of Duty: Black Ops, "baby steps".

February taught me to improve my skills at Black Ops. 'Killin' as me and my brothers call it. We sometimes meet up online to end the dreams of the poor lost soldier who runs across our sights. We've actually gotten pretty good at it, years of practice...years and years of practice. It's like hanging out with my brothers even though we're miles away (shout out to the geniuses who spawned the Internet and to those who shape its way).

February grew my relationship. It taught boundaries, showed areas of improvement, provided opportunities for improvement, and unveiled a best friend who I can't wait to spend eternity with. Yeah, February might have laid the kinder of creativity in me. Mayhaps turning 31 will be the spark?

February also improved my skills in the work environment. With a looming possible job promotion on a 40% hopeful scale, I feel that my work skills have improved and now feel earning of the appreciation for what I do. If I had to define what I do now...I'd be the go to guy for excel projects. Now I'm the IT contact for my department, and very soon I'll be doing Capital Assets for the City. In addition, my current project is to work with citizens in reclaiming their unclaimed monies from the City. No...none of you are on the list. :D

In conclusion (lol), I disliked the sedentariness...yes it's a word...of February,but I'm looking forward to the changes that are coming. Less than two weeks until the ball drops on another year for me....and I am truly looking forward to it.

I refuse

I could choose, not to move. But I refuse.

I've been a slight bit of an emotional rollercoaster since last weekend. The emotions that I normally keep quite level have been doing dips and flips with such flair that I find myself with tears behind the veil of my eyes. I want to cry to get it out but I don't know if I truly can. If only the whirlwind would come at appropriate times.

Mostly I feel that it's related to comparisons. Of how I compare my life to anothers, how we both attained the status that we both deem as successful and how we feel content to be such. I think I have a bit more pondering to do before I can truly understand the underlying cause.

In a time of up, I was heading to retrieve my car to take my coworkers to lunch. I had a really strong calling to listen to the radio as I've been growing tired of my cds. I RARELY listen to the radio so naturally nothing is set in my car. I'm breezing through trying to find a station when I come upon Air One (no clue what station it is). They were playing "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk...who happens to be one of my most favorite artists from back in the day. In fact, I will probably be able to sing their songs 20 years down the road without even hearing them in years.

Anyways - the next song that came on was new music by John Wilson "I Refuse". And I love me some new music! In hearing this song I, firstly, instantly fell in love with the sound, and secondly, felt it's touch. It's brought up a few questions in myself about God and what I believe, what is life and the afterlife and what are the goals we should attain in living. That's all beside the point, because what truly mattered is that it helped me cope. In its masterpiece of making me think, I've had to come to conclusions and accept the grief to overcome it.

I refuse to dwell on the bad things that happen. I accept them for what they are and I rejoice in the good that came of it all.



I believe that music can speak to you, and that it can change who you are.

Passing

Sometimes it takes death to wake the living.

With a recent friend's passing I find myself with a heavy heart and clogged mind. I've never viewed death as something to fear, it's a natural process in the evolution of life and all things pass in their time.

But this death was extremely unexpected. Just when great things were happening for him and the best years of his life were about to take hold and propel him into prosperity. He proved that life is just too short.

I keep grasping for a what happened. As if knowing the cause will prevent the sadness that I feel. But in the end, as I know is true, it doesn't matter because he is still gone. The only fact that does matter is that he lived, he lived well, he lived free.

Death happens every day, but this is the first time that it's hit my personal community. There have been passings before in my City. There's been passings of friends and family that I didn't know that well. There have been passings in the gay community. But never before has there been a death in the circle of people I know. Even if I didn't know him well the mark that he left upon me was strong. And with his death comes a true sadness for what's left.

I've made it through the first 1/3 of my life more unscathed than is worthy. During the course of the rest of my life I will face death in many forms and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. No one and no thing can prepare me for this; and I sadly say that I don't want to have to see it through. But to deny these things would be to deny life itself, and with my love of life shall come the acceptance of death as it runs its course.

Appreciate what's been done in life. Remember them for the lives they lived. And live like you have no tomorrow.

Every tomorrow brings a today when the sadness finally trickles away.

Tron the Stranger

I saw Tron 3D in the IMAX theater this weekend. In it's level of awesomeness, because it was awesome, I understood not a lick of what was going on. When it finished I informed my crew that I did like it, that I thought Hillary Duff did a great job, and that I didn't understand a thing about what happened for sure in the movie. I guess that's to be expected.

However, it was not Hillary Duff who played the female lead role. It was, in fact, Olivia Wilde, who looks like Hillary Duff in my opinion. This led me down the road of thinking hmmmmmmm what happened to HD? And wham, as if answered by the radio gods themselves her new single plays on Yahoo Radio. Insta-fan! I hope you are now too, I did like her years ago when she first started singing but she just kinda fell off...and now she's back and looking amazing.

This song hit me on a personal level. As a Pisces who constantly swims around the fishbowl always up always down, I realized that I had become a stranger in some ways. Now life provides a whole plethora of events and occurences and get-togethers. Life also gives you the choice to participate in a few before things change. You will never get the opportunity to do all, you will never get the opportunity to do it again. Each occurence occurs individually in a sense that if you were to recreate it exactly the same way it would still be different because the occupants will be different because of their experiences. (That's a mouthful) Life can give you second chances but the chance will be different without fail.

Enter the stranger. Where I was almost a year ago is completely different from where I am now. When I enter the memories of the past I cannot grasp the event in full because I feel like the stranger. It's not who I am anymore.

This is where most of humanity is at some point. I've changed so much in the past year that I sometimes feel I do not know who I am. Yet on the inside I know that I am me and always will be me. It is okay to be the stranger, but it's not okay to remain so. It's not healthy in the grand scheme of who you are. Embracing the stranger makes the occurences in life even stranger (good pun eh?).

As Hillary says in her song:
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Don't be scared to be who you are. Remember the past, but remember the change as well that made you the stranger that you feel. Embrace the change and you'll embrace yourself...not the stranger.

chocolate mustaches

There's one thing that I really don't understand in this world...and that is really extremely obese people.  It is an enigma to me.  I understand how people get to be obese, what I don't understand is how they can continue to let it be so.  Sedentary is the enemy.

There came a time in my life where I ballooned into a stubby little fat man.  At the biggest point of my largeness, when I realized that I had developed stretch marks, I made the vow to never be fat again.  I have never made it up to that weight again, but I have teetered on the edge of being fat.

This repulsion with obesity is good, yet it's bad.  The bad comes out in times like now, the after holidays.  It didn't help that I had a cold which sent my malaise level to malaizingly sloth-like.  I don't like when I lose focus, and I like it less when it starts to show.

I haven't made any New Year's Resolutions and I won't.  But I know that I need to commit to something here pretty soon.  Where has the determination gone?

Muffin had a bone

First off, I created a blog at wordpress.com.  I think it's there but I have to throw it out there that I created a blog there because I'm sort of unhappy with blogger.  I can't post to facebook...why I want to post there is still somewhat undecided at the moment but that the option to post there is unfortunately out of my grasp with this blog, which makes me sad.  But my sadness makes me want to move on quickly and painlessly.

So moving on, into new years and such, I say to you:  Merry Leggo My Eggos.  This year say to the man:  Leggo my eggos!  The time for repression is over.  Stand up to the man.  Your Eggos are screaming to be Leggo!  Grab your fork and liberate them!  You, sirs and madams, are the syrup to goodness.  Do not let your sweet goodness go to waste.  Leggo your Eggos!

Eat your black eyed peas.  In a world where luck does matter, may you always be graced with her presence.  Merry New Year.